I feel disgusting.
For the first time in a long while i feel lonely.
So inspired... But so willing to wash my efforts away.

Why do i do this?


A Part of Death Not Quite Analyzed

2010 has proven to be a year of death within my family and friends' families. It's been ever so frequent, and it's frequency is rather depressing to be honest.

I don't really feel it necessary to go into the details of all tragedies (it's a tragedy from our perspective at least) but I really want to bring to the attention of those reading (whom I'm sure you are not exempt from this) the people who are left without the opportunity to get to know someone who's died.

I've found myself in this position so many times this year. In the middle between people who are devastated and people who are completely ignorant to the person's pre-death existence. The troublesome parts of being the middle child are scattered among gathering sympathy for those most greatly affected, the decision whether or not it affects yourself, and the regret of being unable to know the person who has passed on any better than you did previously. It's a bitter feeling to hear all the joyous accounts of those who interacted and loved that person, to have such an opportunity to have them be a part of their life.

It just makes one think...
Ponder at how you'd be changed by further relationship if you had the chance...
Definitely gathers the sympathy for those in mourning.
Another thing to add under the "Don't Know What You Have Till It's Gone" Category, but it's also one in it's own.

Definitely something to write and create upon...

I would go deeper into this but I really gotta get sleep tonight :( I hate leaving my blogs like this, I can't take the time to open up my mind and dive into whatever I'm talking about because of school. And seldom do I ever have the drive to return to a blog... bummer :/



I feel like a traitor to the 18 previous posts I've made on here by getting a Tumblr account.

But! I feel like it'll be a good idea in the long run, I mean majority of the reason I use public internet blogging is for people to listen and respond and since Tumblr is more popular and more accessible to a lotta people I'm gettin into to it.


Just expanding my horizons :) I think there's a way to get my blogs sent to both accounts I just gotta figure it out.

Buenos noches!

(Thank you Miss Lizzie Tesone for your Tumblr inspiration :) Thought I'd give credit where it's due)


Storm the Gates of Hell

Demon Hunter.... I will go into detail further on why I love them so much as a band, as a catalyst to God's word, and to worship when it isn't 3 in the morning... Just putting this up ahead of time. Click the link on Demon Hunter for some of the most awe inspiring lyrics put to amazing music. Although the love of the music is a matter of opinion, and if you don't take the words in completely you won't really get the awe inspiration as I did haha


Become the Phoenix

These are the lyrics to the song I wrote this last week :) enjoy!

Find in life what's good for you
Know what feels right isn't always true
Kill yourself and resurrect the older you
Abandon what you know and take what you will
Revert into your ashes become a sick bird again
These old wings are tired, take another dive for your adrenaline

Go your own way where the shadows wait
Everybody learns differently
But try...
Not to...

Tears shed in vain
But the vanities, they prove, that times sure aren't the same
I only wish that the good would die young
Though it would add to the weight of the world
We rest assured knowing you can't be crushed by it

Go your own way where the shadows wait
Everybody learns differently
But try...
Not to...

Calm this anxious mind
Steady this racing heart of mine
It took a whole year to realize nobodies doin fine
Your immunities didn't serve you, the bug got right through your system
These fallow words, are they too lately spoken?

The glimmer in your eyes show you must not be dead
Reminiscent of that girl is still trapped inside your head
She cries,
"Free me..."
She cries,
"Save me...
Release me...
Can you not see me?"

I can see you clear as day
But my friend, this is your mirror's play...


Advocacy for change is dwarfed, ignored and forgotten by an arrogant, selfish, and hopeless generation. How i wish i weren't alone here...
You know what it's like when all your teeth are falling out slowly? Like they get far apart and you don't even realize it, then you don't have any teeth...


Glad to have God in spiritual warfare, nothing like having peace in a battlefield


Why they pick ghost busters for a car commercial theme song i will never know...


In a Land Where It's Always Light Out, You Have To Seek Out Shadows To Be In the Dark

Wake up.
Dwell on vain thoughts of self gratification.
Rebuke such thoughts.
Proceed to feel ashamed, worthless, and alone.
Check myspace, facebook, reread blog post from late last night.
Find the song "(The Symphony of) Blasé" by Anberlin.
Listen to the song.
Find the desperate need to do something productive.
Fulfill need by finishing a song two months in the making.
Drive around Fernan Lake with Bobby with whom I converse with about the weekend.
Text an old friend whom had been on my mind earlier, becoming God's way of telling me things aren't as bad as I feel them to be.
Come home.
Argue with my sister over the phone.
Text a new friend.
Have the new friend be confirmation that God wants me to take my life at a better perspective.
Go downstairs to my room.
Look over my song again.
Play it again.
Split the last part of the song into a separate ballad of it's own, writing more to it in the process.
Get really excited for the blessing I received.
Be thankful for the things God's had for me that I failed to see earlier.
Listen to A Plea for Purging's Self-titled EP
Recheck myspace, facebook.
Type new blog.

Quite a variety filled day I must say.
I'll probably post the lyrics of my songs one of these days

Venting Only Counts as Therapy for Whomever Isn't Complaining

Band of the moment: The Cranberries

So I'm going to try and shamelessly dump every little feeling and thought that has been taxing me for days to weeks on end... Key word try, attempting not to hide anything. I don't know why I'm doing so on my public blog, probably just to pretend I'm actually telling someone who doesn't have much to say back haha

  • For the record, this isn't a venting thing or a pity party thing, more of an experiment to see if I could ever communicate how I feel to anyone but myself, whom quite frankly is feeling rather lonely and tired of not being heard...
I've been incredibly hungry lately, and my hunger is almost consistent with how I feel which is a bizarre phenomenon to me. I know a ton of people eat when they're sad or something but I'm not really sad, that's too general of a word :P You know me, I gotta be overly specific with anything that has to do with me. (That could quite possibly be my little OCD thing, when I'm ever in the position to explain myself or something I've done I feel the need to go into excessive detail because I think I'm not being clear enough or they don't believe me.)

Maybe my specification is why seldom anyone allows me to vent to them and actually listen. They probably think I'm too blunt and clear with what's bothering me, so they don't like to hear the negativity and just tune me out gradually... That's what happens with everyone I vent to except for pessimists, who end up giving me twice as much the reason to be upset. Ironically enough I tend to be rather pessimistic during half full/empty things regarding my own self. It's easier to be positive for someone else. 

I figure that's a given, I'm not as different from everyone else as I once thought I was. Truth be told, I'm way more average than I give myself credit. I pride myself in holding these high moral standards, alternative perception of life, deep understanding of life and the things in it... I still feel alone on these for the most part but that's most likely cuz I have never really spoke with anyone about these sort of things more than just mentioning the topics... no depth-filled conversation, just an honorable mention. I WOULD KILL to have a deep conversation more than once every two or three months. (Cue reader taking writer up on said conversation!)

Speaking of things I would really like to change, I would really enjoy a new close friend, and DON'T get me wrong I love the close friends I have now, I wouldn't trade them for anyone else. I just mean that there's always room in the family for another haha But trying to stay on topic, I've been meeting a lot of people this new school year but to be honest unless we really get along right off the bat or have classes with one another every single day things fizzle out quickly. And yes, that's totally normal to happen with acquaintances, but lately it's been bumming me out since I've been longing companionship more and more and more. This last Tuesday I met a girl (I met her once before but didn't remember that at all haha) that was incredibly beautiful and rather outgoing and interesting, I gave her my number and tried to get a hold of her via Facebook and Myspace but like most other people I meet it's just probably not happening...

Which leads to how bad at making conversation I am >:( I really wish I could be bad at something else or learn how to have a casual conversation with someone I don't know but I'm sooooo not good at alllllll. That is probably 50% of my problem with meeting new people. I just have no idea what to talk about whether my mind is blank, i'm nervous or just chill like normal. Definitely gotta work on that if I ever wanna talk to that girl again, which I do ever so badly haha

Ahhhhhhhhh So pretty much this blog is going incomplete, it's almost 3 in the morning and I can't focus :( I'll just get some extra main things down that're on my mind, then I'm hittin the hayyyy.

  • I am feeling incredibly lonely, actually ended up admitting for the first time that I don't think I'll find a girl to share my life with. I've just lost all hope in this wild goose chase, I can't figure it out anymore. Sometimes it's cause they don't love Jesus and it separates me from them, sometimes they don't like the edgey alternative music/lifestyle/perspective, sometimes I'm just too mellow for them or something... Nice guys finish last.
  • Music is failing me, or at least my music is. Can't finish any of my in progress songs, can't get my band to practice more than one song per practice, can't seem to keep God before the music sometimes... Also the first time I've contemplated a future that doesn't involve me being a musician for a living. <-------------- sign of the apocalypse.
  • I definitely do not feel like I'm helping my friends understand Jesus in anyway, it more seems likes they put up barriers around my passion. Totally defeats the purpose of me being a disciple.

I'm not making a difference in anyone's life.


40 Days

Jesus Pictures, Images and Photos

Matthew 4:1-11

1Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. 2After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread."
 4Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'[a]"
 5Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple.6"If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written:
   " 'He will command his angels concerning you,
      and they will lift you up in their hands,
   so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'[b]"
 7Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'[c]"
 8Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9"All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."
 10Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'[d]"
 11Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

To think the Son of God was put into a more tempting position than anything we could fathom, despite the severe hunger of fasting for 40 days IN THE DESERT and the ability to fulfill a selfish desire, Christ denied such self gratification in order to obey and continue to follow the Holy Spirit which guided him to his position.

Point to ponder...

To think Jesus could've done for himself whatever he wanted, but instead lead a life of complete humility and obedience to what God called him to do. He could've lived a life of luxury, power, and pleasure, pretty much what would've been considered a hallowed lifestyle back in the day. But he completely devoted every single action to following his Father and living with the pain and unappealing effects his choices brought. At Gethsemane he KNEW HE WOULD BE KILLED UNFAIRLY but allowed this to live up to the torturous, unjust crucifixion he was expected of by God.

How loving... How humble... How faithful... To have the ability, power and opportunity to indulge in any worldly desire you could choose from, but deny it all and selflessly serve the people around you (who, by the way, betray him countlessly) and your Creator (doesn't betray, but asks quite a lot) without question.

Another example... I wanted to put up a picture but none of the illustrations seem to capture the desperation of what Jesus's prayer was about...

Matthew 14:32-42

32They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, "Sit here while I pray."33He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. 34"My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death," he said to them. "Stay here and keep watch."
 35Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. 36"Abba,[a] Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."
 37Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Simon," he said to Peter, "are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for one hour? 38Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
 39Once more he went away and prayed the same thing. 40When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. They did not know what to say to him.
 41Returning the third time, he said to them, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come. Look, the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 42Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!"

Christ struggled with doing the right thing believe it or not! He felt fear, pain, and anxiety just like everyone else, but he knew that this life is only temporary and he had an eternal purpose to take care of! He followed God's teachings faithfully every single step of the way without flaw, and raised the bar of faith so high no one else has been able to reach it or even come close.

To sum things up, I really think this is an incredibly significant point of Jesus's sacrifice that most don't touch on too much... Christ had the choice to lay down his life for his Father and for us. He had the choice to disregard everything and take the power he was bestowed and use it for his own personal comfort. Check out which one he picked! :D

Praise him for his undying love, and for unending faith in the rebellious monstrosity God calls his children. His doings need to place conviction in our hearts and humble our actions. We are not deserving of anything he did, but he made it absolute that we have the chance to spend eternity with him. Put that in your mind before you take the safesearch off google images or head to that party or whatever. Remember you're lucky enough to know the forgiveness that backs up an entire life lived, ended, and resurrected just for you. :) Hopefully that thought'll influence those decisions you were looking into. Which choice will you make?

G-g-g-g-g-g-god blesssssssss

(If you don't necessarily believe that Christ was who he said he was you really ought to do some research, there are countless non-biased accounts of his miraculous works that have been deemed acceptable by non-biased historians.)


Out With the Downers, It's Partytime

Gettin with a gang of gamers tonight to celebrate my good friend Jaccob's birthday, apparently March was the month to have children because there are a TON of birthdays this month. Time to be up all night touching back to my roots playing video games like the good ol days. FINALLY some time to chill


Self Analytical Moment of the Day:

I tend to over explain myself as a near plight to find someone who listens and understands life outside their own domain. I'm crying out with each word in some way, I feel I'm being vague due to the accessibility of blunt comments to those who find no significance in this...

Why must I speak in code?

Fear of finding there really isn't anyone paying attention or caring but God.

I really should only care about Him but we're built for relationship and I've taken worldly dependencies as a crutch longer than I can remember...

"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8
"He who trusts himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe." Proverb 28:26

Much easier said than done, regardless I will pursue the refuge I have forsaken more so than ever before.


This Revival, You Speak of... Elaborate?


I don't really have time tonight to type for an hour tonight, Spanish test and Music appreciation projects and 2 band practices all in the same day! D:

But this is just me basically writing a public note to myself to expound on my glorious fellowship evening with some dear friends.

Good night!

P.S. Still sore from Megadeth.... Still no regrets...


Delving into the Story Behind the Symphony of Destruction's Fine Performance March 1st, 2010 (copied from my HXCchristian.com post)

I am lucky enough to live half an hour away from Spokane, where Megadeth decided to kick off their "Rust in Peace 20th Anniversary Tour" as well as pre-order the $40 tickets. Waiting in line for 2 hours, no regrets! Absolutely mindblowing, I've never seen a crazier pit in person (this is the first real non-skank pit I've ever been in btw ), they shred sooooo much! At least one solo every song and they played it just like, if not better, than on record! Mustaine, I'm disappointed to say, doesn't seem like the "Christian" he's claimed to be for the past several years, swearing like a sailor on stage, cursing at people he talked about in stories... And during the meet and greet neither he NOR the drummer showed up, Danny Ellefson was there thank goodness and when I told him how happy I was to hear God changed his and Dave's lives he told me quote unquote, "The impossible HAS been made possible."

Overall an insanely fun experience! I couldn't go to school today because I woke up feeling sick as a dog haha I was headbanging the whole night and now my whole body has lost flexibility haha

My main point of posting this was actually to have everyone pray for Dave Mustaine that being in a secular scene doesn't hinder him from living a Christian life and that he could use his music to minister to people in the process. From What i've read he knows pretty well the basis for a Christian life, the next step (besides his sobriety that he thankfully has received from the Lord) is to live it in his band, being in a band like Megadeth sure doesn't exempt you from your commitments to Christ, and it could be clear that he just hasn't come to realize the hypocrisy in his actions but God should set him straight! Maybe Danny can be a catalyst in that

  • Note that I was writing this to a congregation of believers, just writing this note to those of you who aren't Christian and didn't know who exactly I was writing to, this is just to clear up that confusion
Megadeth, end of story :D