So I'm going to try and shamelessly dump every little feeling and thought that has been taxing me for days to weeks on end... Key word try, attempting not to hide anything. I don't know why I'm doing so on my public blog, probably just to pretend I'm actually telling someone who doesn't have much to say back haha
- For the record, this isn't a venting thing or a pity party thing, more of an experiment to see if I could ever communicate how I feel to anyone but myself, whom quite frankly is feeling rather lonely and tired of not being heard...
Maybe my specification is why seldom anyone allows me to vent to them and actually listen. They probably think I'm too blunt and clear with what's bothering me, so they don't like to hear the negativity and just tune me out gradually... That's what happens with everyone I vent to except for pessimists, who end up giving me twice as much the reason to be upset. Ironically enough I tend to be rather pessimistic during half full/empty things regarding my own self. It's easier to be positive for someone else.
I figure that's a given, I'm not as different from everyone else as I once thought I was. Truth be told, I'm way more average than I give myself credit. I pride myself in holding these high moral standards, alternative perception of life, deep understanding of life and the things in it... I still feel alone on these for the most part but that's most likely cuz I have never really spoke with anyone about these sort of things more than just mentioning the topics... no depth-filled conversation, just an honorable mention. I WOULD KILL to have a deep conversation more than once every two or three months. (Cue reader taking writer up on said conversation!)
Speaking of things I would really like to change, I would really enjoy a new close friend, and DON'T get me wrong I love the close friends I have now, I wouldn't trade them for anyone else. I just mean that there's always room in the family for another haha But trying to stay on topic, I've been meeting a lot of people this new school year but to be honest unless we really get along right off the bat or have classes with one another every single day things fizzle out quickly. And yes, that's totally normal to happen with acquaintances, but lately it's been bumming me out since I've been longing companionship more and more and more. This last Tuesday I met a girl (I met her once before but didn't remember that at all haha) that was incredibly beautiful and rather outgoing and interesting, I gave her my number and tried to get a hold of her via Facebook and Myspace but like most other people I meet it's just probably not happening...
Which leads to how bad at making conversation I am >:( I really wish I could be bad at something else or learn how to have a casual conversation with someone I don't know but I'm sooooo not good at alllllll. That is probably 50% of my problem with meeting new people. I just have no idea what to talk about whether my mind is blank, i'm nervous or just chill like normal. Definitely gotta work on that if I ever wanna talk to that girl again, which I do ever so badly haha
Ahhhhhhhhh So pretty much this blog is going incomplete, it's almost 3 in the morning and I can't focus :( I'll just get some extra main things down that're on my mind, then I'm hittin the hayyyy.
- I am feeling incredibly lonely, actually ended up admitting for the first time that I don't think I'll find a girl to share my life with. I've just lost all hope in this wild goose chase, I can't figure it out anymore. Sometimes it's cause they don't love Jesus and it separates me from them, sometimes they don't like the edgey alternative music/lifestyle/perspective, sometimes I'm just too mellow for them or something... Nice guys finish last.
- Music is failing me, or at least my music is. Can't finish any of my in progress songs, can't get my band to practice more than one song per practice, can't seem to keep God before the music sometimes... Also the first time I've contemplated a future that doesn't involve me being a musician for a living. <-------------- sign of the apocalypse.
- I definitely do not feel like I'm helping my friends understand Jesus in anyway, it more seems likes they put up barriers around my passion. Totally defeats the purpose of me being a disciple.
I'm not making a difference in anyone's life.