First REAL, public blog in a while...

Summer, how I looked to you with remarkable anticipation.
You now leave me confused and lonely.
I'm guessing that dreams are just made for disappointment.
Hopes are completely different.
I don't have any of those right now.
It's all my fault too...
I've hardened my heart to anything that could help me at this point.
I would enjoy an intervention, but I've defeated all the rescue efforts so far.
"I feel like I'm falling and clawing and dragging everyone I can down with me."
How I wish I were with God again.
End my devilish ways, I feel brainwashed by the enemy.

Sometimes I forget to eat.
My diet consists of water and milk and cereal and the occasional sandwich.
Not to mention the gifts of food given to me by anyone that offers.
If they didn't all I would eat is cereal.
I usually say, "My hunger always matches my ambition."
My appetite reads "Apathetic."

I speak hollow words of joy to those who talk to me.
I never used to tell a single lie.
Until I started lying to myself that I didn't lie.
Now I'm not sure if I could trust myself anymore.
It's almost like a feeling of schizophrenia.
It feels as though a great many thoughts floating through my head are not ones of my nature.

I've become the target audience of my own songs I've written...

"You distance yourself.
Revel in worldly wealth.
Apparitions of the past come to me
And sing to you this plea.
'I curse the person that I've become.
Do you know not what you've done?
A titan has fallen, is all lost?
In those around you...


I'm not forgotten.

A haunting memory,
A cruel irony,
Satan's laughing at me,
As I play into this blasphemy

I follow these people around.
Reminding and bringing them down.
Causing only pain.
Because things can't be the same.

A haunting memory
A cruel irony
Satan's laughing at me
As I play into this blasphemy.'"

Totally explains my situation.

I feel fake.
Here comes the 3rd crow of the rooster.
I've failed.
I've wept.
I seek repentance.
But I feel enslaved to the bottom of this hole I've made.

No one knows me.
Or how I truly feel.
How deep of a person I am,
When they waste away.
At least I recognize that I am as well.

What have I become?

God help me.

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