First Glimpse of Hope All Summer

I don’t want to pity myself any longer.
What happened to the hope I had for so long?
I started looking for sincere appreciation
in the realms of lust and temptation.
And fantasy of growing up.
Living some carefree life.
Music playing all the time.
Hugs and holding one another close.
Surrounded by the ones I love.
No more alcohol to blur the vision of the beauty around.
Absence of self-consciousness.
Because we’re all beautiful when we turn our old lives over.
Just to live in the unity and love that I could only imagine attainable in Heaven, with God.

Is it selfish to want to die? I just want to get there sooner.

My work is not done, but I lost my to-do list.
Everything I thought I was supposed to do has been taken back for review and development.

I’ll admit I’m being impatient.
I’ll admit I’m not handling things well.
I’ll admit I’ve become ugly again.
I’ll admit that I feel more alone now than ever.
I’ll admit majority of my problems are a matter of selfishness.

So I’ll pray this and try a little harder than I have been. If only I could trust in any person around me to help out. No one ever does.
God’s bigger than them though, and has done more for me now than any person ever has or will.

I’m sinking, I’m drowning, I’m trapped under the crushing deadweight of this apathy. This laziness is infecting my soul, it’s dragging me down to pits of misery. There’s darkness at the end of my tunnel, it’s a dead end, I can’t escape despair. Rescue me. refresh, resurrect. Holy spirit, renew life in me. Lord you are my only hope. I’m going down, I’m sinking fast. At the end of my rope, I know I won’t last. My strength has failed me, got nothing more within to offer so I’m gonna die to this flesh, crucify whatever’s left, the old life passes away.  Nothing to lose, but everything to gain, I offer you this vessel.
-“Escape” by Debtor

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