Succumb to Apathy?

"Satan is taking 2011 off because humans are doing well enough without him."

Or somethin similar to that.

I'm such a failure.
I lean on forgiveness.
And ignore the casualties of spiritual warfare on my account.

I don't deserve this.

So long I had a passion and drive, and God fulfilled all of my emptiness.
Then I looked for new things to fill it and pushed Him aside.

Now I'm consumed with an addiction to sexual action and thoughts, regardless of the fact that I'm still a virgin.

"I am the sheep that got lost and there is no turning back. I’m as mad as hell. There’s no place to run. I’m without the One who made me though I’m not sure I was ever with Him. There’s no place to run. I’m without the One who made me though I’m not sure I was ever with Him. Oh God, oh my God. Oh God, where are You now. Oh my God, where are You now. Oh God, oh my God. Here’s where I stand. Removed and cursed. Where is Your holy communion now. There is no turning back. I won’t be back. There is no turning back. I won’t be back."

Why do I feel like I relate to this?


If you can heal...

I have the ears to hear.

I'm too jaded to care most of the time.
I'm too scared to run from it all.
I've truly let my apathetic outlook and attitude get the best of me.

I'm not the innocent, spirit-driven kid I used to be.
I'm not the faithful, persistent, focused man I need to be.

Look at what I've become...
I look in the mirror and, unlike most people, I recognize the face.
Worn and lost.
I just ask that face, "What have we done? We are we becoming?"

I'm watching all my friends fall.
I can't stand it.
But they won't let me in.
And when they do, I had already given up.
Because I feel as though I don't make a difference.
That I'm powerless.

Christ, I do not understand you.
Our hearts repulse you at every chance.
All we do is reject you.
How do you have hope?
How are you not so hurt that you give up?

You're truly a God of love.
I love you so much, I can't even understand it.
Even though I'm so weak, you make me strong.
You give me the ability to love despite my shortfallings.

I wanna say I won't let you down again.
But sadly, I don't have that faith in myself.
I'm just not going to lie to you.
I don't WANT to let you down again.
I want my heart to want you, and nothing else.

Carve this on my heart.

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