I appreciate the momentary peace :)

I just hate that I found it necessary to say momentary before peace. Fix that? :)
This is not who I am

First REAL, public blog in a while...

Summer, how I looked to you with remarkable anticipation.
You now leave me confused and lonely.
I'm guessing that dreams are just made for disappointment.
Hopes are completely different.
I don't have any of those right now.
It's all my fault too...
I've hardened my heart to anything that could help me at this point.
I would enjoy an intervention, but I've defeated all the rescue efforts so far.
"I feel like I'm falling and clawing and dragging everyone I can down with me."
How I wish I were with God again.
End my devilish ways, I feel brainwashed by the enemy.

Sometimes I forget to eat.
My diet consists of water and milk and cereal and the occasional sandwich.
Not to mention the gifts of food given to me by anyone that offers.
If they didn't all I would eat is cereal.
I usually say, "My hunger always matches my ambition."
My appetite reads "Apathetic."

I speak hollow words of joy to those who talk to me.
I never used to tell a single lie.
Until I started lying to myself that I didn't lie.
Now I'm not sure if I could trust myself anymore.
It's almost like a feeling of schizophrenia.
It feels as though a great many thoughts floating through my head are not ones of my nature.

I've become the target audience of my own songs I've written...

"You distance yourself.
Revel in worldly wealth.
Apparitions of the past come to me
And sing to you this plea.
'I curse the person that I've become.
Do you know not what you've done?
A titan has fallen, is all lost?
In those around you...


I'm not forgotten.

A haunting memory,
A cruel irony,
Satan's laughing at me,
As I play into this blasphemy

I follow these people around.
Reminding and bringing them down.
Causing only pain.
Because things can't be the same.

A haunting memory
A cruel irony
Satan's laughing at me
As I play into this blasphemy.'"

Totally explains my situation.

I feel fake.
Here comes the 3rd crow of the rooster.
I've failed.
I've wept.
I seek repentance.
But I feel enslaved to the bottom of this hole I've made.

No one knows me.
Or how I truly feel.
How deep of a person I am,
When they waste away.
At least I recognize that I am as well.

What have I become?

God help me.
I'm just a sick, confused, lonely-hearted hypocrite.
It almost seems like i'm trying to prove myself unfixable.


Going to camp in 7 hours

If i don't come back changed, kill me!


I'm hopelessly depressed right now for reasons I can't really get into. Just posting this to feel like I'm actually telling someone when in reality this place is the most lonely I know. Where all my thoughts, feelings and aspirations are posted for the world, and as i tell my "friends" who I care about to look and hear me out, only two or three have ever bothered.

DON'T leave a comment if you read this, i'm just upset right now.