2/13/11

Fed-up with...

Two-faced girls.
Girls that want attention.
Girls that act like they care so I will care about them.
Girls that can't handle themselves emotionally.
Girls that act different around me than around other girls.
Girls that seem nice to me but are rude to everyone else.
Girls that don't give me the time of day when I care about them or want to strike up a friendship.
Girls that play hard-to-get.
Girls that use me.
Girls that call or text me daily with nothing worth talking about or complaining.
Girls that clearly cannot get it through their head that I don't like them.
Girls that are picture perfect on paper, yet I cannot feel any spark.
Girls with ulterior motives.

Had to get that out.

I'm also fed-up with...

Feeling like I need to support the 5168291 "friends" I have, while they support me. I can't live up to them all.
Spending time and effort and thought and heart into something for a person who doesn't care.
Loving a girl that does not love me or will never be able to love me back.
Fantasizing over the idea that being in a relationship will make me happy.
Being addicted to pleasure and lust.
Having a large amount of difficult homework.
Praying and feeling like I'm talking to the ceiling.
The sinking feeling I get in my stomach because I know I'm alone without her.
Failing to get over her no matter what I try.
Knowing the right thing to do and not finding the strength to follow-through with it.
Always being busy.
Finding girls that are perfectly legitimate for pursuing and having no interest in them because I've given up my heart.
Not being able to get my heart back.
Disinterest in church.
Pushing away God because I'm not able to meet up with His requests.
The lack of sincerity I feel in the responsibilities I complete.
The lack of sincerity I feel in the relationships I uphold (and they are upheld poorly at that).
My legitimate friendships and happiness that is clouded by the things I am fed up with.
Feeling like I'm bound to projects and groups with I have no interest in being a part of.
Never being able to commit to anything without losing interest or changing my mind or failing to stay consistent.
People who want to be my friend that I can't find interesting.
The fact that as I type out my frustrations I know that I am wasting time I should be spending on my homework or getting ready for a play or finding money or going to lunch.
Never being able to have hope in the things I pursue.
The sense of inevitable failure in everything I do.
Never feeling good enough, even by the standards of grace I feel I fall short.
Never being able to keep the advice of my peers to heart.
Being a hypocrite.
Having so many creative ideas and having the lesser of these be accomplished.
The idea that the only thing I can determine to be there in my future is the fact that I will always be coming back to this state of mind, this very situation where I feel I must type out all of my feelings because I can't pour out to a person or to God because almost nothing I feel can be met with an answer, that every answer avoids the truth of the matter; there are no answers for me.
Feeling lost.
Feeling void of direction.
Having so much love to give and not a soul to receive it properly.
Seeing that I can't pour God into anyone else's life because I find my walk with God to be an embarrassment on my end.
Knowing that no one cares the way I care.
Knowing that I can't be fixed.
Knowing I have not been proven wrong.
Feeling that my problems are totally insignificant or unsolvable.
Feeling unsatisfied despite how privileged I am.
Plans in general.
Caring for people who take me for granted.
Caring at all.
Still trying to make things better despite the fact that I firmly believe nothing will.
Nobody being able to prove me wrong.
Not accepting the logic of anyone who does prove me wrong.

Knowing that if you know me well enough to be reading this, you are aware that this isn't the demeanor I put out, this isn't the person I am all the time, this isn't who I seem to be.

Knowing that if you know me well enough to be reading this, you cannot comprehend the agony and torture I feel on a daily basis.

Knowing that if you know me well enough to be reading this, and you care about me at all, there is a part of you that is saddened or disappointed after reading this.





Talk about jaded, ignorant, bitter, selfish venting.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, Fallon. I am really, truly sorry that you have to deal with feeling all of that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. your sympathy truly means the world to me

    ReplyDelete

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