This weekend to myself, though not over, has been helpful.
I do wish I would've spent less time on video games, but when your depression turns to apathy what more can you do?
For those of you (since I guess people are actually reading this thing now! :') who don't know there's a girl in my life who can say one word to me and it can make or ruin my whole day.
If you know her you'd probably guess it off the top of your head, if not don't worry about it.
Regardless, she managed to make me the happiest person in the world, the saddest person in the world and the most worthless person in a matter of 3 days.
Amazing how you can care for someone so much that such things can happen.
Really, really sincere?
I don't know.
Regardless, this is the way things are.
I gave my heart to a girl who doesn't want it.
I am cursed because of it.
So I decided instead of goofing off with friends that will not make the time worth anything, I decided to take the weekend to figure out where my life is going.
"So drastic. Dramatic even. Get a grip, Fallon!"
You don't even know.
Anyone who could find such criticism to be helpful or even true doesn't know my situation, or me for that matter.
Anyways, I've spent Friday and Saturday listening to Explosions in the Sky, babysitting, playing Star Wars video games, playing guitar, planning for things I never did, and finishing the book of Job and praying about it.
If you haven't heard of or read Job let me summarize it for you:
Job is a guy who is practically blameless and loves God with everything he is and has.
Satan thinks he can get Job to fail and curse God, so Satan asks God to let him tempt Job.
God says, "Go for it, I know he won't curse me."
So Satan burns his house down, kills all of his thousands of livestock and animals, causes his family to betray and leave him, and inflicts job with horrible skin diseases that even have worms growing out of boils in his skin.
After all this Job rips his clothes off and says "Naked into the world I came, naked I shall leave. The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away."
He then sits there in misery waiting for God to kill him.
His three friends come and sit with him for a week in empathetic silence.
After that week, Job speaks, questioning God, not cursing Him, saying that He is unfair to let righteous men suffer and wicked men rejoice.
Yet he does not curse or reject God in his questioning.
His three friends decide to lecture and scold Job, saying that God doesn't make mistakes and Job is a liar and accuses God for no reason.
They also describe God in ways that are not entirely right.
After a bazillion chapters of these guys going back and forth, God steps in.
He says (for like 5 chapters, in a much more descriptive manner), "Who do you think you are to say I am not righteous, Job? Who created the universe and everything in it, who knows how everything works, who..."
Yeah, it goes on for a while to make a big point.
"Job, if you were God, which you obviously are not, we'd all be dead.You do not have the understanding to make you a fair judge on what is righteous and what is not."
Job is blown away by this answer and repents from his questioning of God's character.
Then, God says to the three friends, "You guys don't have a clue of what you speak of, JOB is gonna pray for you and you gotta make 7 sacrifices (this is in the Old Testament, Jesus hasn't come just yet.)."
God accepts Job's prayer for them, they are forgiven.
God gives Job twice as much as before and all his family returns to him and loves him a lot.
Job lives to be 140 and dies, "full of years".
A huge portion of what I needed to hear.
Because this entire week all I've done is question God.
Although I was not necessarily questioning the same things, I have not nearly been as afflicted as Job and a bunch of the things wrong in my life are not even afflictions, but of my own wrongdoing.
I was just questioning God on why He gave me all these signs to pursue that girl I love so much.
Why I was set to believe that an answered prayer, a vision, and a dream were all very straightforward answers that I should not waste my time with another girl and give my heart to her.
I keep hearing, "Patience, Fallon."
But truthfully, I feel unless she was changed inexplicably about her view of life, her self-esteem, pretty much everything, it will never happen.
I've seen it happen with me, but I don't have the same faith in other people, truthfully.
Because I see them when hard times hit.
They give up on everything and let go of all that is good.
It takes a considerable amount of attention, energy, focus, and love to get them back.
For me, I could lose everything and no one could help me and I'll still turn to God, even if I am upset with Him.
At least I try.
No one else does.
They just ignore Him or deny Him even.
Saying, "Oh, I know if I just turned to God everything would be fixed."
"But I'm not going to."
"Not right now, at least."
"Since I have no conviction, let me indulge until I am betrayed by my sin."
"Then, if I don't give in to misanthropy and don't blame God for it all and find motivation, I'll repent."
To conclude, I'm making progress.
I'm finally able to make myself honest with God and with everyone else.
I'm done filling in the roles I hate in life.
I'm gonna do what I love.
And what is right.