Prayers Toward My Future

I may join this in about a year from now.



I just wish I could photocopy my notes that I took during the NLY Summer Camp at Bear Paw, WA this last week, they're the best way I could describe things without going into gross amounts of detail (As it turns out, the internet services like Facebook and Twitter has made us impatient readers; for that reason I try to condense my posts a bit so that my point can be made whilst not being ignored by the few who will ever stumble across the things I write with heart. Hence the convenience of photocopy: short, simple, right to the point.).

The epitome of things taught at Camp this week were of the following subjects, along with relevant scriptures:

  1. Obedience - 2nd Kings 5
  2. Change and Significance of Interaction with God/The Holy Spirit - John 4:19-24, Genesis 17:5, 32:24-32
  3. Grace -  2nd Corinthians 12:1-10, The stories of Joseph, Daniel, Esther, Paul, Job
  4. Expectation/Faith/Patience - Luke 3:15, 11:9, Genesis 32:24-32
  5. The Great Commission - Luke 24:46-49, Mark 16:15-18, Matthew 28:18-20, 1st Corinthians 12:7-11

I am hoping to photocopy the notes and put them up, they have all sorts of little phrases and such to help get the point across easily and effectively.

Everything not of God in life will fail you.



How did that get here? Hmm...

I'm Leaving For Camp Tomorrow

It is my sincere hope to come back changed for life.

Every year gets better and more long-lasting.

I just want to be as open to whatever God wants this time.

Even if it sucks for a moment, why trade your birthright for a bowl of soup?


We live within implied solitary confinement.
We’ve been forced into this shut-in mental state where all that matters is your sedation.
“Stay away from anything that makes you uncomfortable, if the Truth does not appeal to you, do not believe it.
And if you have any feelings or thoughts that contradict another person’s, keep them to yourself, because you are alone and you will be hated for it.”
This is what they tell us.
But we’re here to tell you are not alone, and you should feel no matter what.
Because whether you want to or not, 
You feel.



"Seeing Nothing All Around, I Turn My Eyes to Heaven."

This last month has been on of self-transformation.
I've been pushing through aimlessness, lack of focus, self-pity, and contempt toward the one who has done no wrong, neither in the eyes of men or God.
I'd have to say the hardest parts of all this heaving and hoe-ing and woe-ing were the parts I did not give to God.

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7

A lot of people have what they call a "life verse" or a section in the Bible which speaks to them most  through their experience in relationship with God.
I'd say Philippians 4:6-7 would be mine, and if you know me personally, you'll already have an idea of what I'm about to explain (I have no idea where I'm going with this post from here on out, I'm gonna leave it to the Holy Spirit to dictate the direction of this post, and pray that I don't get in the way of that direction).

When I was younger, I developed some nervous tendencies that followed me until the last few years, popping up on occasion only to be shut down thanks to God.
I was always afraid of the unknown or uncontrollable or things I would just imagine to be terrible.
I feared heart disease, diabetes, asthma attacks (I was a bit of a hypochondriac), demons, God not loving me because I had random thoughts that said things I truly did not believe (which led me to believe I was either schizophrenic or demon possessed), someone breaking into my house, etc.

In short, I was paranoid.
I guarantee that there are worse cases of paranoia in the world, that's just what I dealt with between ages 8-13, and, although I've been cured of my paranoia SOLELY by the grace and supernatural power of God (hallelujah!), I still, somewhat unknowingly, held some traits of anxiousness.
Through this, I became skeptical of anything not based in solid, immovable fact.
Thankfully, this did not affect my early faith, as an ignorant Christian (maybe even a normal person in general) I was unaware of the historical authenticity and reliability of the Bible.

However, amidst many apologetic sources, spiritual encounters in the physical world, and an ever growing understanding of who God is and how He works, I've found one of the most harrowing issues with my beliefs were faith and trust.

This is a typical stumbling block for any believer, but I am only now understanding, after about 4 years of being truly committed to following the Lord, Christ, the significance of this stumbling block; the necessity to turn it into a stepping stone.

All throughout my reading of the Gospel of Luke, I noticed that Jesus states numerous times that He performed miracles for the Pharisees and other non-believers on behalf of the hope that they might believe. Still, after many supernatural miracles were performed, many did not believe because their hearts were hardened by their selfishness.

The Pharisees, if you are unaware, were Jews that had high ranks/status within their congregations, making them very arrogant.
They loved the praise from others that came from their "praise" to God, so they preached in public places, made a big show of things, and always thought highly of themselves and their beliefs.

Sadly, if they would've put down their pride and stopped being so selfish, they would have realized the Son of the God they so proudly claimed to serve was right in front of them; they could have given themselves over to Him and gained true life.

Their selfishness became the anchors to the eyes of their hearts.

To loop this back to my point, I had been encountering God in so many ways, there was (and is) absolutely no doubt in the expansiveness of His reality, power, and love.
I was blessed to be able to speak in tongues, interpret prophetic dreams, deliver friends out of harmful situations through the Word of God and the Holy Spirit, and so much more that I couldn't list or even remember.
My heart was hardened because I just wanted a girl to fall in love with and a healed back and a Christian melodic hardcore band to play shows with, I didn't actually want to see if God's had any of those things in His plan.
Although relationships that progress into marriage, physical healing, and a musical ministry/worship form are all things that God made possible and loves, I never bothered to consider if He has different plans for me.

Like Jonah, whom God had a plan for, I didn't want anything to do with it.
If I would've taken the time to be obedient and trust in God's perfect plan, I could have reached this point of endearment to the Lord months sooner, maybe even years.

Instead, I had to be swallowed by a giant fish.

Don't make the same mistakes as I.

If you're a Christian, learn early on the importance of completely relying on God, as you will struggle and build your relationship with Him almost entirely on this aspect.
After all, if you've made the commitment to be a "Little Christ", a follower of Jesus, then why are you doubting your belief?
Hot or cold, choose.
Lukewarm is unacceptable; you will harm others and yourself if you continue to idle away in sedation and submission to fear and discomfort.

If you are NOT a Christian, whether being one interests you or not I implore you to dig into the truths of the Christian doctrine.
Do not assume I simply mean apologetics/evidences, although there are plenty of reliable sources for you to get into, I truly feel that no matter how much you will end up finding the hard facts of Christian truth, you will never be able to have that substitute any faith you may find in God, should you choose to follow Him.
Like C.S. Lewis described in an analogy, if you are to go into surgery and have been administered anesthetics, as soon as the doctors put the mask on you and get the tools out and the process begins, fear that the anesthetics will fail or you will choke from the tubes in your throat will overtake you. 
Fear will thwart any amount of fact you place in that situation.
In the same way, life will become difficult, and no matter how sure you can be that God exists and has a perfect plan for your life, you will still be overtaken by stress and fears that you can only overcome through faith and trusting that God is still in control, despite how you feel at the given moment.


I would Like

To focus on one thing.
For half-an-hour
Each day.

Maybe someday.
The question is no longer, "Why am I lonely?".

It is now, "Should I feel lonely?"

Do I even have a choice?

Is this even loneliness anymore?!


Out of 3637 songs on my ipod, i plug the dock into the wall and the exact song in my head plays (To the Service: I Am Terrified)


My True Frustration is that You Don't Ever Think of These Things.

I                                          on                                                             wave.
                   hang                                                every                        



Every face.

I pour out all my heart
All my breath

E v er y    p a r t

You don't know my passion.
An ounce


Not to mention the selection of communication never satisfies my specification dictations,
nor my expectations.         .

You don't know a thing.


It doesn't make sense to me...

Who has been staring at the sun?


Drum Programming is as Fulfilling as it is Fun


Jesus Wept

My heart is shattered, broken, and bitter
As I failed to pray my soul awake.




Debtor - Bloodseeds

Here is a link to one of the coolest albums I've ever heard: http://bloodandink.bandcamp.com/album/bloodseeds

Here is a link to some of the most important lyrics a band has ever written: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150158504587454

My reasoning for loving this band and album so much is not necessarily the band or music in itself, but the clear picture it draws of God's love toward us and what it is like to have a true relationship with Him.
He brings comfort in the darkest of days and the strength to go on no matter what.

For the sake of His character and what He's done for us, we follow Him through death itself.

"Resolved, never to give over, nor in the least to slacken, my fight with my corruptions, however unsuccessful I may be."
- Jonathan Edwards.


I have maybe one or two real Christian friends at this point and time.
The reality of how alone I am in faith;
The reality that the people I have bonded with and grown to love over the years have abandoned that which brought us together, and keeps us together, and what gives them anything to keep together.

This is where my Bible becomes my best friend,
And I lose track with how to interact with the world.

And where I stop caring about social conformity.

While you sing, "Jesus fucking Christ."
I sing at the end, "Misses you more than anything."

A Season in My Life

Where I stop attempting to communicate so much.
And start listening more.


I Truly Hate Telling People 'No.'

I hate denying people.
I hate letting people down.
I hate having outstanding differences with people.

The Parable of the Rich Fool

"The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.'
"Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry."'
"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'

"This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."