The Only Hope I can Offer

Is the only one rejected.
Every other deception and ignorant appeal I've made is consumed almost as fast as a handful of "cure-alls".
And when it gets to that point, bottle in hand, I am powerless.

I held that bottle in my hand, ready for wherever it was about to take me.
Then I told God, "You have one shot, I will give you everything and you will be there, or I'm gone."

And from there, the story has unfolded almost two years time, and here we are now.

There is hope, I swear.

Yet I continue, words fallen on deaf ears,



Adrenaline Fueled Sleep

Tonight I take part in that glorious and frustrating contradiction.

Amidst the frustrations of life I am comforted with the greatest of friendships and a unique opportunity to worship and change my life tomorrow.

Satan is gnashing his teeth at me right now, but the Lord has prevailed.

8 Praise our God, all peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;

9 he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.

10 For you, God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.

11 You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.

12 You let people ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.

-Psalm 66:8-12

You were a house on fire and even with a vague translation I still don't know what that means.


Of Sparrows and Stuffed Animals

6 Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. 7 Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

-Luke 12:6-7

I have spent over half a year praying for the slightest bit of movement in a life other than my own.

It's been one of those things you pray about that seems so large and fragile of a thing to ask, that God will deny or ignore your request on the premise that it's too large and fragile.
And from what I've come to understand, praying to change a person's heart I've always considered to be outside God's jurisdiction, considering we have free will and all.

It is apparent now that I have been very wrong when it came to limiting God's potential;
I've underestimated His influence and love severely.

Over the course of these months of praying I've been through just about every emotion on the spectrum:
Excited, mad, disappointed, confused, hopeless, hopeful, scared, blah blah blah.
There were times during this year where I praised God more than ever in my entire life, and times where I completely abandoned Him and entered a depravity I had not known before.

But now after seeing the swift hand of God bring about such a dramatic movement into my life in such a short time, I truly question my own ability to understand anything as well as the sincerity of the faith in my heart.
After nearly losing hope in these specific prayers, God's timing prevailed and it astounded me.
I'm thankful that I've been able to recognize His work despite my closed eyes on my heart.

It's like the song "Through Death" by Debtor

The more I question you, the more I fight
The more I find I need you just to breathe.

I think that song sums up my relationship with God pretty perfectly, to be honest.

Here are the lyrics.

I want to express as much thanks as I can to God.
And the best way to do that is not in a song or a blog post or an act of "goodness" or something.
It's to answer his call to love.
And here's what I mean when I ever say the word love, ever:

1 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

-1st Corinthians 13


Spinoza, I am not Convinced.

I'm finding less and less to hold against (everything I care about).
Remove my weapons,
Embrace love and pacifism.


To Speak my Peace (in Forsaken Prose)

To speak poorly of my father is something I've avoided my entire life.
I've maintained this hope in him throughout our relationship that he'll pull through.
I believed every word he said, dreaded Past's victim, enduring friend.

It didn't matter to me if he actually pushed my mom down the stairs,
Or that one of the nights I felt our closest he expressed with slurred words and a watery, drunken stare.

Without an ounce of contempt, anticipation was eager for his return from the three month jail sentence he never quite explained a cause for.
I packed every game console he raised me on and brought them over to celebrate and play, just like the days before the girl he never got along with became his home.

In comparison to my optimism, the fighting could never break my bones, but only bruise them.
In fact, I started to get used to it until it turned to death threats, thrown phones, and the times it kept the neighbors awake.
I could even forget those times, at least until it continued in front of my newborn, neglected brother.

Oh, my brother, I remember your birthday because I saw the final Star Wars the next day and I swore it was two of the best things that could've happened at the same time.
Such joy was shot to find you were born with all those drugs in your system.
That didn't keep me from appreciating you, no matter how hard it's been for you to interact and listen.

I blame it on them and embrace you for all that you are, Logan.

Every New Years he'd always tell me,
"Next year will be better, I promise."
Without an ounce of doubt in my heart, I carried those words with me.

And the one year he finally became a man and got his own apartment I feel he was at his best.
I thank you for the two years I could see you and the only times I had to deal with fighting were on Christmas.
I thought you'd leave her and stop going to bars, but I found out you're much weaker than I could've possibly imagined, by far.

Learning your loneliness, addressing addictions, fighting meth with marijuana.
Normalcy within our family could only have been measured up to the rest of the broken-homed children.

Now, don't get me wrong, things could have been so much worse.
At least when you cheated on my mom and started using again we had her to keep us loved and safe and away.

All my memories are a big, jumbled up mess.
I remember childish affection, unending, until you gave up and moved back in to reclaim the throne of trailer trash tyranny.
Tell me why again you wanted to "Stay Together for the Kids"?

Since your return to that heap of garbage you built into a shelter labeled, "Home.", I've found there to be no more room for my rejected heart.
You can pin whatever you want on me, claiming there to be, in my life, a lack of appropriate priority.
You're the one that can't afford gas or electricity; the ever-faithful investment in cigarettes, firmly established as "Necessity."

Don't even begin to tell me that because you're a pastor's kid that you understand the Word of God better than your offspring.
Instead of understanding the convictions of truth and reality you have been ever evading since the age of 14, worshipping the god of pride, rebellion, and ecstasy.

All I see is hope, and all you see is immovable burden.
All I see is change; all you breathe has been breath, the same.

"Paying the Pied Piper", you claim you're merely reaping what you've sewn.
When behold, I find sojourned seeds now at seventeen, spread throughout the garden of your greed.
All your sustenance can be traced to tables that hold feasts of the fresh fruit of failure.
Your self-loathing can be traced back to your current upheld glory.

"I am what I am"
You tossed your birthright as a son, and have forgotten that you are called to be a father.

You are what you are.
Don't speak to me of demons until you speak against the ones you breed.



This picture defines how I feel about a majority of Christianity as represented on the internet.


True Story

Absolutely nothing keeps me here on this earth except for Jesus.

No God, no Fallon (or anyone, technically). Period.

I wonder how the rest of the world continues into the oblivion of "bettering themselves".
Not trying to make an argument (due to the fact that I'd much rather refer you to a good number of sources for that), I'm more trying to establish the point that if life was constrained to the one on this Earth, it would be pointless.
I'd order my ticket to nihilist living in a heartbeat.

The hope of survival, society, legacy, fallacious religions and philosophies, relationships, success, good times: it all crumbles under the weight of meaningless, finite existence.

If there were no hope in eternity, there'd be no purpose in pressing through apathy.
Without the promise of fulfilled continuity, I would choose to waste away.

Not a thing outside of perfection is worth living for.
If you ever thought anything different, you are completely wasting your time.
I've never been more sure of anything.

Go ahead, weigh it out for yourself.

Live a life of color and fade to black; is that worth anything?
Ecstasy to depression, a roller-coaster of fun and fear, ending with a violent crash.
What's the point of playing into a cycle that spins into zero, absence?

Face the reality.

Question your life.

Open your eyes.


I'm just a worthless waste of space.
Nothing goes right and it never will.
The world I built has turned to dust.
Despair and misery are all I can feel.

There's a Battle for my Soul

"Between God, the Devil, and Rock n' Roll.
And when my head hits the sheets my feet hit the ground
Running to Heaven before the Devil knows I'm dead."

This album gets better and better every time I listen to it.
Plea makes me feel not alone.
Sometimes I think I'm the only distanced, semi-misanthropic, mediocre-yet-sincere Christian in the world.

I just want to leave everything and live on the road, helping folks feel no longer alone.


In Other News!

I just moved into a new house, which is really great for the following reasons (in no particular order):

  • It's heated in every room.
  • There are no flies that hang around in the kitchen.
  • It's in walking distance to my high school and girlfriend's house.
  • It has three living rooms, one of which I put all my music equipment and video games in.
  • My room is the size of Harry Potter's, which allows me to keep down the clutter.
  • It is not located near any haunted forests formerly known as "Middle Earth".
Moving was a great experience, actually.
Throwing away junk, keeping sentimental junk, weighing the significance of junk, flashbacks and memories inspired by junk, finding junk, etc.

I just read "junk" over and over and it doesn't sound like a word anymore in my head.

The new house inspires me to be more productive.
For instance, today I read The Moon is Down by John Steinbeck and it reminded me of the times when I've enjoyed reading.
Of course, being who I am, it just made me want to read books that teach me more about Jesus without requiring such in-depth, word-by-word analysis of reading the Bible (I'm lazy; crucify me. I still read it though).
It just reminded me of how much I loved reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.

I've also been exercising on near daily basis thanks to the walking distance from the school and the excess of pine needles in our lawn.

This all just gets me excited for when I move out of my house and live on my own.
No parents (I love my parents, but every kid has their own gripes with the existence of parental authority),
Extra chores,
Free food,
Being jobless.

Pros and cons, I guess.

Oh, I also wrote my first real letter. Woo!

I also received a letter in academics (different kind of letter). Woo.

I've also spent at least an hour on the phone, daily. Yay.

I also beat Plants vs. Zombies. Mhmm.

I've also exercised a bit of self-control, for once. Yee-haw.

I've also started writing with my post-rock project. br00tal.

Let life continue, I suppose.

Despite All the Fascinating Things Happening in my Life Right Now

I want to focus on how much I love bands and how much I still wish on a consistent basis to be in one that plays shows and records and is active.

I just watched a folk-punk act by the name of Self-Proclaimed Narcissist play a show, but I viewed via webcam.
Now, while this doesn't sound like the most glorious experience, it was pretty fun and a good use of my hour. The sound quality was fairly decent and he interacted with the web viewers in-between songs, it was just a fun little time.

It was just really inspiring to watch someone be passionate about their music and enjoy the audience, whether they were in person or not.
I would enjoy that to be my life, no doubt.


Some Things Never Change

My internal decay will never cease, will it?
Second best is not your best.
You're better than this.


Thank Jesus

  • I have a house to move into this Saturday (which I'd like to post pictures of or something, this blog needs more pictures).
  • My car did not have its tires blow up on me before I found out what bad shape they are in.
  • The new A Plea for Purging album is really honest and going to help me amidst trying to be a man of God.
  • My girlfriend is wonderful.
  • My close friends are wonderful.
  • I'm going to see The Chariot and Listener on the 29th.
  • The Word is treating me so good: calling me out on my cowardice, building me up on solid foundation.
  • The post-rock project I'm in is breaking ground and we'll hopefully have a song composed this Friday.
  • Mac OS X is making my computer using experience significantly better.
  • The hardest parts of college are almost over.
  • Some of the biggest challenges of my life are yet to come.

I haven't accomplished a single thing without Jesus, and nothing will change without Him.

He is the only consistent thing I can hold on to.


The New Plea Album Showed Up at My Doorstep Today

Needless to say I will post pictures of its beauty.

There is No Balance Waiting to be Found

I am spread out so thin,
I cannot shake the overall presence of neglect.


It may be true that you are free,


Consistency and Transitioning

Gotta work on those two things.
The lack of discipline in both are some of my greatest hinderances.

The fact that I am taking the time to type this up is an oxymoron to the entirety of this post.

On a side-note, I learned how to spell "entirety" correctly because I used it over 4 times today.


6 Days Later

"I haven't died at all this year."

I can say the only accomplishment I've made is the improvement of my prayer life.

God's sadness manifested within me again just yesterday (or so I think, something like it).
This would be the second time this has happened, about a month after the first.
I can say there was a significant difference between the two instances:

The first had an intense focus on my isolation, the vast space between God and I.
I felt His pain in the roar of thunder, and His tears hit the exterior of my home with such desperate intensity.

This most recent experience had ME in tears.
What sent me into a release of sadness appeared to be a recognition of raw emotion, something seemingly dead to me for so long.
Thankfully, this time I didn't feel like a stranger or a complete traitor to the One of my soul's favor.
But what was so emotionally shaking is the fact that there is so much love I still take for granted.

I remembered that I am more than just living and surviving,
And that kind of dying
Engraved on my heart
Is meant for more than just to scar.

I was just noiselessly crying, "Jesus. Jesus, I love you."

How can I exist apart from you?

No matter how many charges of hypocrisy you can hold against me,
My purpose and direction will always maintain the general notion of "Free."
"Free", the acceptance of that undeserved grace, shall always be the yearning the makes up the entirety of my being.

There is no other freedom, that is without question after all I've seen.

"You have never lived because you have never died."


I was Horribly Sick Today

And my girlfriend took such good care of me.
And I love her.
And she loves me.