"I haven't died at all this year."
I can say the only accomplishment I've made is the improvement of my prayer life.
God's sadness manifested within me again just yesterday (or so I think, something like it).
This would be the second time this has happened, about a month after the first.
I can say there was a significant difference between the two instances:
The first had an intense focus on my isolation, the vast space between God and I.
I felt His pain in the roar of thunder, and His tears hit the exterior of my home with such desperate intensity.
This most recent experience had ME in tears.
What sent me into a release of sadness appeared to be a recognition of raw emotion, something seemingly dead to me for so long.
Thankfully, this time I didn't feel like a stranger or a complete traitor to the One of my soul's favor.
But what was so emotionally shaking is the fact that there is so much love I still take for granted.
I remembered that I am more than just living and surviving,
And that kind of dying
Engraved on my heart
Is meant for more than just to scar.
I was just noiselessly crying, "Jesus. Jesus, I love you."
How can I exist apart from you?
No matter how many charges of hypocrisy you can hold against me,
My purpose and direction will always maintain the general notion of "Free."
"Free", the acceptance of that undeserved grace, shall always be the yearning the makes up the entirety of my being.
There is no other freedom, that is without question after all I've seen.
"You have never lived because you have never died."