2/28/11

Expression.

I have an issue with this.

I can never express myself without feeling wrong about it.
None of the feelings I have I feel are justified.
Things always end up
Pitiful
Spiteful
Judgmental
Naive
Ignorant
Selfish
Outlandish
Complicated
Simplistic
Vague
Too clear/honest
Depressing
Controversial in general

Only music understands me, and I can't communicate with music
I'm sure God understands me, but I can't hear Him.
Devil begone, you have no place to bring me down anymore.
Lord I need you now.

I AM A SKELETON INSIDE A LITTLE FRAGILE SKIN!

2/23/11

Death 0tter

It May be a Good Idea to Write Down EVERYTHING.

What if you lost all of your memories? For whatever reason.
You had to re-learn everything.
Talking, reading, writing, social skills, and such.

Your identity.

I'm not sure about you but if lost my memory for some reason, I would want to know who I was before it was all gone.
Partly out of curiosity, partly out of searching for the new identity I would be in the process of making (since going off of the shadow of your former self would help save time in an identity crisis).


What I acted like.
What I knew and believed in.
What I enjoyed doing.
What I was good at (seeing as many people who suffer memory loss can retain memories through old things, or at least learn them easier).
What mistakes I made.
Who I truly cared about.
What I truly cared about.


The more I think about it, the happier I am that I inconsistently journal, even the sad things.



If I lose my memory, I'll know early on to despise my pessimism.







Food for thought.

Sick Day

1. Learn Strumming patterns for Ameerah.
2. Read some Huck Finn.
3. Code a class period's worth.
4. Pitch my game a bit.
5. Not waste my time.
6. Learn to make CHIPTUNE!

Fairly Do-able!

2/15/11

For my Future

1. Fill out Macy's scholarship app.
2. Check in at Denny's every 3-4 days till I get work.
3. Take ACT test.
4. Take PSAT test.
5. Take Compass test.
6. Get scholarship for free lunch students.
7. Get my headlight fixed.
8. Finish that Huck Finn HW.
9. play wow

2/14/11

I can't even remember the last time i was this miserable. This shouldn't ever be something a person should experience or understand.

2/13/11

Fed-up with...

Two-faced girls.
Girls that want attention.
Girls that act like they care so I will care about them.
Girls that can't handle themselves emotionally.
Girls that act different around me than around other girls.
Girls that seem nice to me but are rude to everyone else.
Girls that don't give me the time of day when I care about them or want to strike up a friendship.
Girls that play hard-to-get.
Girls that use me.
Girls that call or text me daily with nothing worth talking about or complaining.
Girls that clearly cannot get it through their head that I don't like them.
Girls that are picture perfect on paper, yet I cannot feel any spark.
Girls with ulterior motives.

Had to get that out.

I'm also fed-up with...

Feeling like I need to support the 5168291 "friends" I have, while they support me. I can't live up to them all.
Spending time and effort and thought and heart into something for a person who doesn't care.
Loving a girl that does not love me or will never be able to love me back.
Fantasizing over the idea that being in a relationship will make me happy.
Being addicted to pleasure and lust.
Having a large amount of difficult homework.
Praying and feeling like I'm talking to the ceiling.
The sinking feeling I get in my stomach because I know I'm alone without her.
Failing to get over her no matter what I try.
Knowing the right thing to do and not finding the strength to follow-through with it.
Always being busy.
Finding girls that are perfectly legitimate for pursuing and having no interest in them because I've given up my heart.
Not being able to get my heart back.
Disinterest in church.
Pushing away God because I'm not able to meet up with His requests.
The lack of sincerity I feel in the responsibilities I complete.
The lack of sincerity I feel in the relationships I uphold (and they are upheld poorly at that).
My legitimate friendships and happiness that is clouded by the things I am fed up with.
Feeling like I'm bound to projects and groups with I have no interest in being a part of.
Never being able to commit to anything without losing interest or changing my mind or failing to stay consistent.
People who want to be my friend that I can't find interesting.
The fact that as I type out my frustrations I know that I am wasting time I should be spending on my homework or getting ready for a play or finding money or going to lunch.
Never being able to have hope in the things I pursue.
The sense of inevitable failure in everything I do.
Never feeling good enough, even by the standards of grace I feel I fall short.
Never being able to keep the advice of my peers to heart.
Being a hypocrite.
Having so many creative ideas and having the lesser of these be accomplished.
The idea that the only thing I can determine to be there in my future is the fact that I will always be coming back to this state of mind, this very situation where I feel I must type out all of my feelings because I can't pour out to a person or to God because almost nothing I feel can be met with an answer, that every answer avoids the truth of the matter; there are no answers for me.
Feeling lost.
Feeling void of direction.
Having so much love to give and not a soul to receive it properly.
Seeing that I can't pour God into anyone else's life because I find my walk with God to be an embarrassment on my end.
Knowing that no one cares the way I care.
Knowing that I can't be fixed.
Knowing I have not been proven wrong.
Feeling that my problems are totally insignificant or unsolvable.
Feeling unsatisfied despite how privileged I am.
Plans in general.
Caring for people who take me for granted.
Caring at all.
Still trying to make things better despite the fact that I firmly believe nothing will.
Nobody being able to prove me wrong.
Not accepting the logic of anyone who does prove me wrong.

Knowing that if you know me well enough to be reading this, you are aware that this isn't the demeanor I put out, this isn't the person I am all the time, this isn't who I seem to be.

Knowing that if you know me well enough to be reading this, you cannot comprehend the agony and torture I feel on a daily basis.

Knowing that if you know me well enough to be reading this, and you care about me at all, there is a part of you that is saddened or disappointed after reading this.





Talk about jaded, ignorant, bitter, selfish venting.

Another To-Do list

1. Read a crap-ton of Huck Finn; answer Huck Finn Q's. Fail
2. Fill out scholarship apps. Fail
3. Go to lunch.
4. Find money for a play.
5. Go to a play if I find money.
6. Clean room. Fail
7. Get something to give on Valentine's Day. Fail
8. Pray.
9. Put pictures on an SD card. Fail
10. Coordinate flower deliveries for tomorrow.
11. Let friend borrow Xbox 360 stuff.
12. Stay happy.
13. Organize the things I have to do today.

Dear Lord... I suddenly feel overwhelmed.

2/6/11

I recently finished the Book of Job

This weekend to myself, though not over, has been helpful.
I do wish I would've spent less time on video games, but when your depression turns to apathy what more can you do?

For those of you (since I guess people are actually reading this thing now! :') who don't know there's a girl in my life who can say one word to me and it can make or ruin my whole day.
If you know her you'd probably guess it off the top of your head, if not don't worry about it.
Regardless, she managed to make me the happiest person in the world, the saddest person in the world and the most worthless person in a matter of 3 days.

Amazing how you can care for someone so much that such things can happen.
Naive?
Childish?
Stupid?
Really, really sincere?

I don't know.

Regardless, this is the way things are.
I gave my heart to a girl who doesn't want it.
I am cursed because of it.
So I decided instead of goofing off with friends that will not make the time worth anything, I decided to take the weekend to figure out where my life is going.

"So drastic. Dramatic even. Get a grip, Fallon!"

You don't even know.
Anyone who could find such criticism to be helpful or even true doesn't know my situation, or me for that matter.

Anyways, I've spent Friday and Saturday listening to Explosions in the Sky, babysitting, playing Star Wars video games, playing guitar, planning for things I never did, and finishing the book of Job and praying about it.

If you haven't heard of or read Job let me summarize it for you:

Job is a guy who is practically blameless and loves God with everything he is and has.
Satan thinks he can get Job to fail and curse God, so Satan asks God to let him tempt Job.
God says, "Go for it, I know he won't curse me."
So Satan burns his house down, kills all of his thousands of livestock and animals, causes his family to betray and leave him, and inflicts job with horrible skin diseases that even have worms growing out of boils in his skin.
After all this Job rips his clothes off and says "Naked into the world I came, naked I shall leave. The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away."
He then sits there in misery waiting for God to kill him.
His three friends come and sit with him for a week in empathetic silence.
After that week, Job speaks, questioning God, not cursing Him, saying that He is unfair to let righteous men suffer and wicked men rejoice.

Yet he does not curse or reject God in his questioning.

His three friends decide to lecture and scold Job, saying that God doesn't make mistakes and Job is a liar and accuses God for no reason.
They also describe God in ways that are not entirely right.
After a bazillion chapters of these guys going back and forth, God steps in.
He says (for like 5 chapters, in a much more descriptive manner), "Who do you think you are to say I am not righteous, Job? Who created the universe and everything in it, who knows how everything works, who..."

Yeah, it goes on for a while to make a big point.

"Job, if you were God, which you obviously are not, we'd all be dead.You do not have the understanding to make you a fair judge on what is righteous and what is not."

Job is blown away by this answer and repents from his questioning of God's character.
Then, God says to the three friends, "You guys don't have a clue of what you speak of, JOB is gonna pray for you and you gotta make 7 sacrifices (this is in the Old Testament, Jesus hasn't come just yet.)."
God accepts Job's prayer for them, they are forgiven.
BAM.
God gives Job twice as much as before and all his family returns to him and loves him a lot.
Job lives to be 140 and dies, "full of years".



Wow.

A huge portion of what I needed to hear.
Because this entire week all I've done is question God.
Although I was not necessarily questioning the same things, I have not nearly been as afflicted as Job and a bunch of the things wrong in my life are not even afflictions, but of my own wrongdoing.

I was just questioning God on why He gave me all these signs to pursue that girl I love so much.
Why I was set to believe that an answered prayer, a vision, and a dream were all very straightforward answers that I should not waste my time with another girl and give my heart to her.

I keep hearing, "Patience, Fallon."
But truthfully, I feel unless she was changed inexplicably about her view of life, her self-esteem, pretty much everything, it will never happen.

I've seen it happen with me, but I don't have the same faith in other people, truthfully.
Because I see them when hard times hit.
They give up on everything and let go of all that is good.
It takes a considerable amount of attention, energy, focus, and love to get them back.
For me, I could lose everything and no one could help me and I'll still turn to God, even if I am upset with Him.

At least I try.
She doesn't.
No one else does.
They just ignore Him or deny Him even.
Saying, "Oh, I know if I just turned to God everything would be fixed."
"But I'm not going to."
"Not right now, at least."
"Since I have no conviction, let me indulge until I am betrayed by my sin."
"Then, if I don't give in to misanthropy and don't blame God for it all and find motivation, I'll repent."

How depraved...






To conclude, I'm making progress.
I'm finally able to make myself honest with God and with everyone else.
I'm done filling in the roles I hate in life.
I'm gonna do what I love.
And what is right.

2/1/11

All signs point to "Give up". I have failed everything and everyone and myself. I am too broken to care
No one can prove me wrong.

Plans

They mean nothing to you when you make them.

Followers