6/30/11

107 days

And I realized I stopped counting somewhere in the 70's.

I can finally say I'm no longer attached to the thought of our being together.
I can finally say I've moved on from you.
I have finally realized those prophecies are not true.
I have finally realized now our friendship has nothing to bind us to.

Risk and regret is a good portion of what came out of that.
I was in love with the idea that you were made for me.
But there are times I would not have rather spent any place else.
It's over now.



Alas, the lonely lingers on.
I will pray against it, and learn what it means to have faith at all.
The entire experience of falling for what I thought to be you ruined my whole idea of having sincere, hope-filled faith.
But it was all due to my obsession, not you.
Don't ever think it was you.
Ever.
Christ endures forever.
He'll change me soon enough.
I have faith in that.



I do.

6/29/11

Truth Be Told

Everything shall be expected of me this summer.

Despite my previous thoughts, it appears that I must stop blaming God and start doing things myself.

However, I plan on doing this kicking and screaming.
Any other way would just be insincere.
I'd truly appreciate it if no one expected a thing from me all summer.

6/28/11

I'm so lonely I can barely handle it.

6/26/11

I Should Really Go to Bed, But I Have Some Things On My Mind

My thought-process has been very simple for the last few days.
Unfortunately, with the simplicity of thought comes the ability to obsess.

Every day I am overwhelmed with ulcer-inducing stress over doing well with my job.
It's not that hard, and even if I were to mess up and be fired, not much would change.

I just hate the pressure of success.
And I miss the open fields of freedom.

I'm never lonely anymore until I talk to a girl that I'm attracted to in anyway.
I think my tendencies towards girls are compulsory and juvenile in every degree.
"I JUST WANT TO LOVE AND BE LOVED COMPLETELY."

But I'll only find that through Jesus.
I can never make a girl happy enough and no girl could ever meet my high expectations.
There is no girl that could not break my heart, and I will never be right for the ones I'd do anything for.

I'm set apart to be lonely and I must accept this somehow!
I never talk about it anymore either, which is cool, I never liked complaining about it before.
It just eased the pain of unavoidable truth.




Every time I have a chance to talk about Jesus to someone I don't know, I never know what to say.
Hours later, I think of every possible way to have started that conversation.



I am just hoping this music thing will cause me to be more relaxed and not add to my stress.
I truly am okay with the amount of things I have on my plate right now.


They are all just troublesome in totally unique ways.

6/25/11

Every day that unprovoked rush of almost anxious adrenaline kicks in.
I must have some internal worry.

6/24/11

I'm Truly Considering Starting a Music Blog

on Tumblr.

Meaning I'd leave this blog as a "Whatever the Heck I Want to Ramble About Blog"

Ah, the joy of having zero expectancy from your readers.
Limitless possibilities.

6/23/11

Whether I murmur in the noise
Or I'm self-contained in silence
What I can be sure of-
Is that I am uncomfortable

Whether I find life in the noise
Or the silence
I'm uncomfortable
But I'm trying

Every Day (May Be Conceived Next Week)

I'm praying the hell out of this possibility, and the Jesus into it.

Our goal is to make relevant music.

This is the vein of influences I want to take it into (In alphabetical order). I recommend you find the lyrics for all of em to get the full affect, if you want the files I know some places to legally download some of it:

The Chariot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UO0YR-MBJI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3q5n24QDlk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ermp7sY3UIY


Debtor:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5woC2YrV8Ks
http://www.facebook.com/debtorhc?sk=app_178091127385

Explosions in the Sky (Some of their darker stuff):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhGBbBeahWk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKyrULAfvq8&feature=related

Killing Years:
killingyears.bandcamp.com 

La Dispute:
http://nosleepsampler.com/album/somewhere-at-the-bottom-of-the-river-between-vega-and-altair

Levi the Poet:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Levi-the-Poet/154452409770



OLD UNDEROATH (Dallas Taylor Era):

Saxon Shore:

And some other melodic hardcore thrown in here and there that isn't too depressive (Like xLooking FORWARDx, Take it Back!, etc.)

I hope you enjoy it!

By the way, if I sent you the link to this post, LISTEN TO AT LEAST ONE SONG OF ALL OF THESE BANDS!
Otherwise Ameerah and I are gonna leave you guys in the dust of our creativity ;D

I Will Give You My Heart

And You Will Hear Me Out
"I will give your heart a place to rest when everything you had has turned and left."

The Goal of Every Day

Relevance.

6/22/11

Killing Years - Desperate, Passionate Hardcore

When it comes to music, I only listen to it and support it if it holds some amount of depth or significance toward human life.
This band fits right in with all the other bands I would back.

This one goes out to my Grandma.
Chances are she'll never read this.
But it'd mean the whole world if she could.
Music is the only way I know how to communicate sincerely.


Find more artists like killing years at Myspace Music



Say goodbye to my innocence.
Watch me disintegrate.
Falling downward to meet my fate.
I take this needle and I bare in mind.
I'll inject the hurt for maybe the last time.
I will bow my head in hopes.
I will suppress the urge and stay alive.
Here again we finally meet open hearted yet not willing to accept the knowledge of the help I need.
I struggle on feeling so alone.
A corpse among the living.
I inject the fear yet suppress the pain, but the pain is overtaking my will to live.
Give me the strength.
I am so numb yet full of fear.
The world is light yet mine is filled with dark.
My prayer to take the pain away.
My hope in pure forgiveness.
A will to struggle on.
Show me compassion.
I look to the sky.
I start to cry.
Come save this broken man.
I cannot save myself.
I have fallen down.
I need a hand to lift me up.
I am broken.
I am broken.
Do you see me?
I am here alone.
Turn on your light and guide me home.

6/21/11

Addiction in Its Purest Form

My grandmother, in a drunken rage, told half my family she wanted to kill herself.
She blames everyone else for her problems.
She is broken and lost and I don't even know how I could possibly do anything to make a difference in her life.

Before You Tread this Ground...

Note: If you have not already realized by now, this blog is my attempt at reflecting exactly what I  have learned to the best of my understanding to be the truth, what I believe (as far my opinions), and how I feel in general. It is never my intention to offend anyone, ever. HOWEVER, it is always my intention to cause you to think. If something offends you, is it because of petty differences in opinion or full-blown ignorance on either yours or my own end? I refuse to conform to the standard of being "politically correct", as it is just an excuse to allow ignorance to grow.

I believe there is absolute truth in the world. I believe that with life, there is only one answer to its meaning, just as in a math problem there is only one answer, and no matter how close you can get to it, if its not the answer it's wrong. I do not believe that the theology that I hold is fool-proof theology, I am learning daily. But I do believe I serve a perfect and personal power. If you'd like to get to understand my beliefs you can reach me in person, on Facebook, or check out this great book by C.S. Lewis: http://www.full-proof.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/Mere-Christianity-Lewis-chapters.pdf

I encourage you to read the header of this blog before you proceed.
Thanks for caring.
Stay the path.

My Dreams and Obsessions

I find when my mind is most open and my body is much at rest when important matters come up.

I've also been having some frustrating and confusing dreams.
I'll start with those, I think.




Besides the bizarre types of dreams everyone has- like being the sole witness to an elementary school bombing committed by children- I've found my dreams to be emotionally taxing as of late...




I've been having dreams where I sleep through work (which is terrifying to wake up to when you actually DO need to go to work).
I've also been having those short dreams where all you get are pictures and emotions and maybe a message or two, but nothing quite descriptive or complete.

All of those short ones have been towards people rejecting me or leaving my life.
I believe they reflect my reality as well, or at least my reality a couple months ago.
But at the same time, I think they still apply to today.
But not just to me.
To God.

Nearly ALL the believers I shared communion with last year have abandoned the path they held so dearly.
To Mormonism.
To Others.
To Self.
To Doubt.
To Bitterness.
To Depression.
To the Alternatives of the World.

The Demon of Depravity has left me in frustration and sought out to spread the seed of violent hopelessness upon those around me.
And I'm still chained up by my own fallacies that I just can't seem to turn over to the Resolver of my life.

I am stubborn and a fool.

But You, who holds true wisdom, wait with patience I cannot even conceive.
I need You to open the eyes of my heart,
For I am blind through the spectacles of my own craft.

It is a necessity for survival to see life for the warfare it truly is.
If I don't face the reality that I will fall without ground beneath me,
I will forsake the dirt
And fade to fire.





From a top down view:
A group of faceless individuals all lined up by the riverside.
One by one they fell into the water, taking each step consciously.
When all their bodies were wet,
The water turned to fire and consumed them all.

6/19/11

Sorry for the Lack of Uninteresting Posts

I'm finding it hard to focus lately, video games and responsibilities are showing their presence ever-so frequently in my life as of late.

I do plan to blog about how reading is difficult when you can't focus, how work is pointless when you only make enough money to transport yourself to work, how easy it is to find camaraderie amongst fellow musicians, how video games are really fun and could be considered art and need to be made with an emphasis on learning something about life, how every time I look at an attractive girl I've never seen before I am instantly enamored, AND...



C.S. Lewis.

Thanks for being here, you outdated Blogger users :)



Also, I've decided to start putting tags on all my posts to keep them organized/help people find this blog when they use Google.

6/16/11

The neutrality of opportunities

6/14/11

I don't understand how I can be sincerely calm at one moment,
Then on the verge of a nervous breakdown the next.
I think my peace may be fake,
Because I only feel secure when I'm hiding in my room.

6/12/11

I'm Quitting Everything

To fulfill my obligations.
This is the last week I do anything.

.

I'm just going to sit in my room
And wait for the world to end
Because nothing ever changes
And nothing makes sense

6/11/11

The Parable of the Sower

"A farmer went out to sow his seed.
As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path;
It was trampled on,
And the birds of the air ate it up.

Some fell on rock,
And when it came up,
The plants withered because they had no moisture.

Other seed fell among thorns,
Which grew up with it
And choked the plants.

Still other seed fell on good soil.
It came up and yielded a crop,
A hundred times more than it was sown.



He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

What Would You Do If the Sun Went Out?

6/9/11

"Above All Else, Guard Your Heart, for it is the Wellspring of Life."

I hardly know anyone that makes the choices of self-control I do.
While most flirt with Satan, I have my walls up.
And yet these walls must be thin, or that voice be loud,
I hear of things that once drew my eye.

The abstraction of emotion is so, so, so dangerous,
Just as well the communication of it.
Just as well the inspiration of it.

I have a great ability to appreciate art and feeling,
As well as to empathize & sympathize with them.
However, like many good things, it can be used wrongly.

The best example I can give is of Bon Iver.
Bon Iver is a musical artist that epitomizes what I would consider to be an artist.
To understand that, you must know what I consider to be art.

Art, in a general sense, is anything intelligently created with the purpose of communicating a message and/or inciting emotion within the person who experiences art.
That's my opinion of course, but I think that definition wouldn't be denied by any artist I know, but most likely added to.
Like I said, it's general.

Anyways...

Bon Iver's music is so carefully crafted.
It creates an open door into the mind and heart of a lonely/longing human being.
As much insight can be gained from that open door, there is much weight that comes with empathy.

When I listen to Bon Iver, I embody all the loneliness and desperate feelings I had been attempting to abandon.



In an instant, beauty reveals its secret through reality:
Not everything that appeals a soul contributes to its well being.

6/8/11

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing. Don't Live in Deception.

http://www.godandscience.org/cults/mormdiff.html

http://www.godandscience.org/cults/mormcont.html

http://www.godandscience.org/cults/mormscrp.html

In Response to Science Minded Faith Questioners

Test everything. Hold on to the good. (1 Thessalonians 5:21)


it seemed fitting for me as well, having investigated everything carefully from the beginning, to write it out for you in consecutive order, most excellent Theophilus; so that you might know the exact truth about the things you have been taught. (Luke 1:3-4)



  1. Prophecies come to fulfillment with 100 percent accuracy (Deuteronomy 18:20-2219).
  2. Support the laws, precepts, and principles set forth in the rest of Scripture-without contradiction (Isaiah 8:20Matthew 5:17;John 10:35).20
  3. Communicate only truth, in all disciplines of knowledge (Psalms 119:160Hebrews 6:18)
"Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him. Do not add to his words, or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar. (Proverbs 30:5-6)

In Response to Myself

You're lucky you've made it this far
Your essence is built to survive
But you count sheer "hopefully"
And brush off the fire
Existence: "I'm here!", he says
Huffin' and puffin' will blow your lungs out

Voice out
Then lay down
In the
Heart
of
Your
Failure
Drink up
Then wander desert, unburning sun

I will never tell you to be what you're not
The things you hate, you ain't
But they will soon encompass, you fake!
Target head, target heart
At least, shoot for the legs
You'd better drop a part of you before you're-

As close to hell
As the indignant lamb
Will
GET.
Throw your self
Into the rolling
Ambulance.
Feed your blood
To your starving
Lament.

6/7/11

The Imaginary End



Via yeshuadoom.tumblr.com

This is what I imagine the end of the world to be like.



This is what I imagine the end of the world to sound like:






This is only the start
You're only opening the book
You're only on the first line of what's going to take a little while
I hope you don't hold your breath because they revolt like a choir
They say the language is dead, well, then why do we speak
I hope you understand that my brain is fixed

Into the next town
This is only a revolt

Enough is enough because we cannot be late
Basically, you've been defined as "unworthy of love"
And I confess, I had placed in my heart the same address but I paint with my words
"You're free, don't fear, this is just a revolt"

Into the next town
This is only a revolt

Calm rose: violent wind
The only "surrender" tonight, shall not be our own
They cannot escape, one if by land, two if by sea
I saved my money, but it can't save me
And maybe there is blood from the past, but that is not from me
They can take away one man, and they can take away his mic
But they cannot take us all

No, they can't dig a hole the right size to fit all of our dreams
They can't bury me, they can't bury me
We can't hope that somebody else take our place
No, we can't hope that somebody else take our place

May the history book read of all of our names
Be it blood, be it ink, but at least we were freeThis is only but a fraction of what I've got to say
It must be said, it must be sad
If I leave this earth tonight may it be said that I spoke my peace
I spoke with the wrath of his grace
Calm rose: come violent wind
Oh we stand hand in hand and we walk without fear
















This is a revolution.

Destroy Nate Allen, Lucretia, and The Chariot. And the King, of Course.

Humility
Creative Communication
Chaotic Organization of Revolution and Revival

All creation wrapped up into compulsory submission
Submission to glory and righteousness and freedom we revolted against for so long.

6/6/11

Unity

It's amazing how the people you thought you'd never become close with again come back, just as if nothing ever happened. I consider it a very good thing, a reminder of prayers answered a long, long, long time ago.

All I gotta say is hallelujah.

All I Want to Do is Shout Obscenities

This busy life is consuming me.
Responsibility stalks me around every corner
I find it staring through every window, down every hallway, behind every door
And when we meet, we pretend as if it were by mutual desire to associate

I don't want to drive anymore
I don't want to pay for gas
I don't want to work
I don't want to play in musical projects that do not inspire me
I don't want to use a phone calendar
I don't want to call strangers to have them attempt to fix my financial and schedule issues when I don't even know what's going on.
I don't want to be committed to things I hate
I don't want to tell my friends I'm always busy
I don't want to reject anyone
I don't want to skip youth group because I'm so exhausted and apathetic
I don't want to get through my days to sleep when I am home
I don't want to be hopeless about my future
I don't want to dream about sleeping in through work and waking up thinking it's real and that my life is over
I don't want my life to be based on this sick system
I don't want to seek the internet as a refuge of mindlessness
I don't want to seek pornography as a place of relief
I don't want to lust after every girl that makes physical contact with me
I don't want the overhanging guilt that I let down every single person I know because of the things I hate
I don't want to grow up
I don't want to try
I don't want to fight every aspect of my life

I hate this more than anything.

You Heard it Here First

I used to be a hypochondriac between the ages of 9-13 or so.
Everything I felt out of place on my body was related to something awful and irrational, like heart issues, diabetes, demonic possession, whatever fit with my anxious tendencies.

I got over that after I was baptized in the Holy Spirit and received the gift of speaking in tongues.
I have not had an anxiety attack nor have I become obsessed with a make-believe illness since.
Praise God for healing!

Ever since last Thursday though, I've had searing, pulsing headaches.
I never get headaches, and I started getting them immediately after I tested for push-ups in weights, doing fifty-one full push-ups within a minute.
Since then, if I exert myself or get my heart racing, the headache is there, and it remains with me for hours afterwards.

Sooooo, I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it to my mom because she hates dealing with doctors...

But, if I am hospitalized or die from some kinda aneurysm, you heard it here first :P

In the Name of Progress!

Stuff I need to get:


  1. Guitar strings
  2. My bass back
  3. Collaboration with other musicians on all this music I have
  4. Other stuff too...

6/4/11

6 Months and a Day

Since the last time I was physically intimate with someone.

Keep away from me for another six months.
Due to my personality, everything I do is one hundred percent.
I want to seize every opportunity I can get out of my passions.
My passion breaks my heart every day.
I am let down by reality every day.
I cannot seem to dream or even sit down for but a moment until I am seized by my throat by the truths of life.
Though I can celebrate many truths, I must endure everything else.

My Worst Fears Confirmed Update

I've lost the validity of almost all of my friendships.
I hardly know anyone anymore.

The one person I thought I would be closer with than any other friend I ever had is now as far from me as people I see once a year.
And a lot of that is my fault.
And due to the fact that this separation has become so great I fear for the future.
If that bond is gone, who's to say others are not just as easy to lose?

A controversy within my heart and mind is whether to be bitter or ashamed or okay with this.

That person has either changed entirely or has been lying to me this whole time about how she feels or who she is.

At the same time, I have not changed hardly at all as time goes by, and I can't help but resist change I see as wrong.

I'm bound the convictions of my life, and I'm bound to the accountability that's been imposed upon me.

However, accountability is a two-way street, it seems.
And when you are left for dead in the realm of checking up on your accountabilibuddy, you become their enemy, you become against them.
They come to hate you and what you once stood for together.

And in frustration my resent turns to icy bitterness only the warmth of God keeps from freezing over.

Yet she is left frostbitten before I realize my idiocy and repent.




I can only see my friend as someone I sincerely love and care about more than anyone else.
And I can see that she's changed so much and pushed our mutualities away.
And I can see I may have to accept defeat.
And pray it's not the end.

But if it is...






Try not to forget me.

My Musical Projects Update

Last night was the last night I will ever have to play within the school music program, thankfully. I really did not enjoy being a part of it, the 1st semester was valuable for me as far as reading sheet music goes, but I'm totally done now, never wanna do it again.

TODAY, was pretty awesome. I played with a Celtic folk/punk/gypsy band my friends started called 70% Celt at The Long Ear and it was an absolute blast. The sun was out, we sounded really good, the crowd was fun and I got to swing around and beat the crap out of the bass I was playing. I freaked out and it felt great.

That's definitely what I want to do for a living.

6/1/11

For those Concerned

It is never, ever my intention to offend you or anyone.

In the vein of your thinking, inspired by your relentlessness in spreading happiness, I will be relentless in spreading truth.

Just as there are too many things to bring you down in life
There are too many deceptions and lies that are justified and made tolerable,
Deemed permissible by social standards/politically correct behavior.

I won't stand for it, just as you won't stand for things that separate you from happiness.

Hopefully with this unified thought process we can actually agree on something for the first time since before spring break.

Followers