Being Damned to Hell, Levi the Poet, White Collar Sideshow, Jesus, All of It.

My day could not have escalated in any other way to be so good.

It started off with a lady condemning me to the left hand of God.
She tried to pay for Silverwood tickets with a card, I asked for ID, she made a big deal about getting it...
Our interaction ended with her saying the words, "I hope God shows you as much grace as you have on me!"

All I have to say is if God were truly like her, if she was Jesus incarnate...
That sucks.

After being in a terrible mood, I prepared for seeing Levi the Poet at a surprise show at Calypso's Coffee Shop.
Needless to say I was indescribably ecstatic.

I did my homework early, had the first Game Creators meeting of the new school year, helped out some musicians, bonded...

Levi remembered me from last year, we talked it up, I met the rest of his band (entitled White Collar Sideshow), it was great.
They genuinely cared to hear the possibility of me playing music, as well as hanging out, something some of my oldest friends care nothing of.

Levi's performance had me in total awe.
I cried.
I never cry.

Afterwards I was hanging out with my friends, being able to be raw and sincere with them.
Ameerah and I then hung out with the entire White Collar Crew for a good length of time.
We had interesting and great conversation that I won't ever take for granted.

I am so in love with how God works.
I love Him.
I love them.
I am so different because of what Jesus has been doing through Levi and that band and just EVERYTHING.

I fail to see that God is showing me such a small amount of grace.
I hope He blesses that woman beyond her understanding.
And she doesn't take it for granted.



Things are becoming less "IhateeveryprojectI'minbecausethegenresucksornothingactuallyhappens" to "I'monlyinthreebands,twoofthemaremusicallyadaqueteandoneofthemmaytakeoffthegroundinafewmonths".
If I could change anything about myself it would be making how I think and act more simplistic, yet maintaining the same depth of meaning.

And not needing to be certain about everything in life.
I'm not supposed to have the answers.
I shouldn't.
I don't.
I won't.
And that is just okay.


The Things You Do

I won't bother to describe the way they cause my stomach to sink.
Or why my eyes well up.

I just pray I don't have to wipe the dust off of my feet.



I can't gather internal order when inside there's war
The management, the workers, can't run this machine
Too many coals, not enough water
This is mental anarchy
The schism of my soul
Within this chaos momentum is gained
Death denies delusion or doubt as an excuse
Derailed and destroyed; What remains of the train.
Helpless and in shock; My belittled, beached brain.

In the Face of Opposition

In the fear of opposition
We are so quick to forget
All the fighting we've learned.


Today was Awesome.

I had a great day at work.
I played music and hung out with Ameerah.
I saw Drew for the first time in a while.
I got my Venia vinyl, Dependency cd, my C.S. Lewis Signature Classics book, my Blackhole tape and cd, and a bunch of free stuff from the amazing Ourblock Distro (thanks Hal!)
I hung out with nice people downtown.
I go to college tomorrow morning.
I go to work directly after.



Stop trying.


I Have an Amazing Taste in Music

And I'm the most humble person you will ever get to know.


I love the music I listen to, and I'm incredibly particular about what I listen to, because:

1. It has to bring something new to the table. I don't want to hear recycled noise, I want to hear passion in some auditory format.

2. It needs to be spiritually edifying. I've spent so many hours listening to words that don't mean anything to me or influence me negatively. I hate being idle and I hate inflicting negativity on myself. I've spent too much time sitting around, doing nothing. I've spent too much time making myself depressed, misanthropic, and lost.

The thing that bothers me about my musical taste is not actually the taste or the music, but how it mixes with the rest of this world.
So I guess you can say I just have a problem with the world!

No, it's just a surface reaction of a issue that is rooted deep within the skin of society.

The reaction-problem is that since I listen to music that is essentially all what you would consider "Christian", only a select few people that I know can relate to me musically.
This is why I'm so thankful for HXCchristian forums, it's a musical and spiritual safe-haven.
However, since practically all of them live on the other side of the country or out of the U.S. entirely, I'm left without really bonding over music in person.

Like I said, there's a select few I can talk to about the music I love, but once you get into the grounds of faith the conversation is either changing or ending or lacking flavor.

There's where the infestation-issue comes into play.
The world is doing all it can to force me into compromise of my integrity.
It tries to seduce me; include me; absorb me; deceive me.
If none of that works, it tries to taunt me; ostracize me; ignore me; hate me.

Enchantments are so subtle, so enticing.
Rejection attempts to dishearten one, or loop one back to the enchantment, begging for acceptance.

But this is a time where I'm even losing friends for the sake of rejecting worldly influence, at least until I can strengthen myself and stand my ground when demons stare me in the face.

People ask, "Where have you been all summer? Why don't we hang out? Why don't you come hang out with us, just like old times?"

I've been investing my time into things that actually matter, things you always ignore or blindly disagree with.

And the old times are dead, can't you tell?
When will you realize how lost and desolate everything is becoming?
When will it occur to you that I'm just trying to maintain the only real, lasting and truly positive thing that has ever been a part of my life, and I want more than anything for you to join me in chasing and embracing eternity.

I could go on and on about that, but I would just get off topic.

I am just praying one day I can have a true friend whose faith will see eye-to-eye with mine.
A friend who will understand and relate.
And with that bond, with that passion to seek the heart of God, something greater will be created.


I Saw Two Shooting Stars Tonight

I've never seen a shooting star once before.

Tonight/today was easily one of the coolest nights/day I've had in forever.

I've Just Finished "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis

Aside from all the feelings of inspiration, accomplishment, and all the glories of being enriched by such Spirit-driven wisdom, I now only seek to reinforce what I've learned and spread it to those I know.

Essentially, this:

"Give up your self, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in."

In the Context of Souls

I believe the first world is the last
That third world poverty brings you closer to that which will not pass away

Our sedation has left us distracted, unhearing
Their desperation has made their souls searching, willing

This selfishness entrances us to a lit-up screen
Whilst open hearts are only found through open eyes that seek



And I Continue to Fail at Mentioning Significant Things

"Passionate to plan?"

I am very ambitious, that is a fact.
I want to do a LOT of things with these hands, these words, these ideas and this passion.
I feel I've been given a great amount of wisdom to spread around (please note I don't believe that in my own power I have an ounce of wisdom; it all comes from God, period.)

Naturally, ability and ambition go hand in hand.
Truthfully, though, I find them in constant dissent within my soul.
One is constantly blaming the other for coming up short on their end of the workload.

This last Wednesday, God revealed something so seemingly trivial, yet so revolutionary:
"You are enamored with constant planning and daydreams. Focus on what you are capable of actually acting upon."

Ability and ambition require action.

Truthfully, without action our abilities and ambitions are completely vain and useless.

Philippians 1:6

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

1 Thessalonians 5:24
24 He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.


I Really Should've Mentioned This Earlier

But this last Wednesday I was prayed for and HEALED PHYSICALLY!
Due to my shoulders being out of alignment, one of my arms naturally hung lower than the other.
Straight up.

I also prayed for my cat and spoke in tongues over it.
She has "cat schizophrenia", which causes it to have seemingly terrifying hallucinations.
She was in the middle of one of her freaky episodes,
I prayed over her,
She's been totally calm every day since then (yesterday).

And I have finished reading the book of Acts for the first time.

I truly forgot the importance of having someone to talk to who understands who you are and how you feel to some extent.
I guess I haven't needed it in a long time.
But there really isn't a soul who can or will hear me out.

Never trust or depend on humanity.


Debtor - Deliverance Lyrics

Due to the fact that there is no single place on the internet that you can find Debtor's lyrics to their album "Deliverance", I've taken the duty upon myself to post them as a resource for those who may need them! This is all taken word-for-word from their old blog post on Myspace, which was deleted along with their account which they cancelled. I hand-typed this, so bare with me on any mistakes, comment as you've seen them and buy their music! bloodandink.bandcamp.com

1. Escape (Psalm 51)
I'm sinking, I'm drowning, I'm trapped under the deadweight of this apathy. This laziness is infecting my soul, it's dragging me down to pits of misery. There's darkness at the end of my tunnel, it's a dead end, I can't escape despair. Rescue me. Refresh, resurrect. Holy Spirit, renew life in me. Lord you are my only hope. I'm going down, I'm sinking fast. At the end of my rope, I know I won't last. My strength has failed me, got nothing more within to offer so I'm gonna die to this flesh, crucify whatever's left, the old life passes away. Nothing to lose, but everything to gain, I offer you this vessel.

2. Salvaged (Ezekiel 36)
I've been scattered, thoughts running wild, bringing calamity into all I do. It's spilling over into these evil words, my main objective completely blurred. Chaos polluting my mind, corrupting my intentions. My focus is dispersed, I'm in the dark, in need of direction. Lord, I'm feeling so far from you, won't you gather up whatever's left of me, and bring me back. So cold and lonely, so far from home, so desperately needing what you alone can give... an undivided heart. Cleanse me from impurity. Remove this heart of stone. Holy Spirit, move in me. Give me a heart of flesh. Not for my own sake, Father, but all for your name.

3. None Righteous (Romans 3)
There is a modern maxim made to rationalize and smooth the harsh edge of reality, an impotent flag of apathetic satisfaction, a numbing refrain of  complacent self-gratification and masturbation: "I am a good person." We revel in changeless misery with misplaced hope that tomorrow we'll seize the day, and with that thought we are all perishing, some quickly falling, some slowly rotting, none hoping. What a sorry state, what a wretched place we are in, constructing these artificial lines in our mind that blind us, we separate, categorize and justify. My defense mechanisms will protect me from the truth, while I project lies on the sky to keep these eyes mesmerized, and this soul will idly lie sleeping... sleeping... and all the while, the body count is rising. Justice is dead. Brothers are killing brothers, husbands are beating wives, mothers are forsaking children, and fathers are raping daughters. Drop the flag and face the reality: We drink down evil like water. We are the bloodthirsty sons of murderers and the perverted daughters of pedophiles. There are none righteous. I'm nauseauted by the plague of the flesh, this maggot-ridden body of filth spit out. Save us from this death. My spirit growing weak thinking of the disease, concealed by our confidence, consuming our peace. The infestation goes far too deep, and in our own strength there's nothing we can do about it.

4. Failure (Job 42)
I've come before you a million times Lord, and though I know you don't remember, I'm still guilty now for hating myself for giving in over and over again. I'm incapapble of comprehending the agony you're feeling for my sin. I despise myself and repent in dust and ash. Humbled, on my knees, gracious God forgive me.

5. Hope for Death (Job 3)
I'm just a worthless waste of space, nothing goes right and it never will. The world I built has turned to dust. Despair and misery are all I can feel. Who am I? What's the point of this life? My groans are pouring out like water from this wretched weak and pitiful frame. I know I have no future here, but I will hold onto you. When everything I worked for withers up and collapses and all my best endeavors are worthless defeats, and all they would have gotten me anyway is empty vanity that rots to nothing - everything I do washed away by the waves, building sand castles with the tide coming in; the one pure thing that lasts is service to you; I want to make this count. So give me love, make me whole. Let my time be worth something at all. Give me love, make me whole. Restore my hope.

7. Radiant (Isaiah 40)
What could I ever say to you? I'm speechless when I see your glory. This stumbling tongue, it can't even start. It's overwhelming. In this moment I receive your unveiled majesty, but then it ends and I question. Will I feel the same tomorrow when I kneel to pray? Carve this on my heart. I'm clinging to a memory of being swept away in love, remembering infinity, reminded you're beyond it all. You are everything, and I won't forget.

8. Witness (Acts 7)
Hemmed in, surrounded on every side by men who hate me on account of you, torn down by their fury and spite, blindly raging against your voice, every shred of mercy has fled. I speak the truth, but they don't hear. I'm shut down by closed minds and hardened hearts, my cries for reason fall on deaf ears. But what is this flesh? It's just a vanishing mist, it's not my home, these eyes are fixed on what's true, believing you, and scorning every prized offered by these times. Unashamed in the face of this wrath, because this foundation is true, so we are ready to die. The mob's pressing in, heaven's filling my sight, I know there's no turning back from this promise of life... with steadfast resolve... gritted broken teeth, the stones are pounding me down, I'm being beaten into dust, pummeled into the ground. When I'm drenched in blood, hands raised to heaven I'll cry (Father), Lord of all (forgive them), take my spirit home (for they know not what they do) (your will be done).


I've Been Disheartened Enough

Greater than,
Greater still.


The Cry of My Heart

Is to see my friends saved.
The ones I pray for Every Day
The ones that once knew the way
The ones that have been led astray
The deceived
The rebellious
The stolen
The unknowing
The bitter
The afraid
The victim

The lost.

Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.


Never Forget


Some of the most joy I've felt in a while has come from the remembrance of what God's done in my life.

I decided to look through my journal to see the progress I've made in my faith since last year.
What I really came to find is a question.

Why am I the only one of my friends who fellowshipped who is still actively chasing God?
What makes me different?
Why don't they remember the amazing, undeniable things that took place last summer?
Why has their faith eroded?

I just miss our communion.
I miss being comforted in their company.

Now most every time I speak with them or spend time with them I am saddened.
I'm mourning for their unrealized depravity.
I feel like a rock crying out for the testimonies they did not speak of.
The ones they no longer speak of.

"I remember the devotion of your youth...
How you followed me so close....
So why did you turn away from me?"

What fault did your fathers find in me
to abandon me for these worthless idols?
They went after other gods
Know and see it is evil and bitter
To forsake the Lord your God
therefore my face
...Is set against you...
The stain of your guilt still before me...
Yet you say, “I have not sinned”
Though I broke your every yoke
and though I burst your every bond
still you look me in the eye and spit
You say, “I will not serve”
How can you say you are not unclean? 
Don’t keep walking blind
On top of every high hill
and under every tree
my heart broke as I
watched my precious daughter
my beloved’s adultery
Don’t you know what it does to me?
In every place and way I watched as you betray me
Unrestrained, like a donkey in heat
Where have you not been ravished?
Unashamed, no remorse in your eyes
don't you see that this filth can never satisfy?
If you’d return, acknowledge your guilt
lay down rebellion for faithfulness
Mercy and healing are found in me
I’d take you in if you’d just return

Jeremiah 2, 3