9/30/11

Fruits of the Spirit

Galatians 5:22-26


22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.






I've never fasted from food before, but I feel it completely necessary today.


I need to refocus and realize the dedication of this world exceeds mine and there's something wrong with that.


If you're the only rest I've ever known, that explains why I'm so weary.
After breaking down and crying in front of my mom and sister I've decided I actually need to figure some things out in my life instead of being confused.

I just need to handle my car stuff, find a job, and visit my little brother that's growing up without me.

9/27/11

Life is ridiculous and stressful right now,
and I'm handling it somehow.

Praise tha Lawd.

You're the only rest I've ever known.

9/26/11

A Knife to the Tire

My heart is being crushed every single day.
No matter the speed of the present—


You have forsaken your first love!
So it remains, permeating expression only through the weather and hearts like mine.

Just, please—
Remember the height you have fallen.

Am I that silent?
Are you so deaf?

The power within
Compares not to that which prevented my self-inflicted death.

Draw only the water weight of disappointment and sorrow;
Oh, the well of perspectives to borrow.

9/25/11

9/24/11

Today

I got a new car and had an amazing jam session with some friends from church.

Needless to say, I'm blessed in excess.
Starting to make a dent within my responsibilities.

Just had to take note of that.

Just Doing What I Can

My life in its current status is calling me to be very active:

Prioritize and maintain relationships
Get a job
Get a car
Pack my belongings
College work
Plan for post-high school existence
Small group
Youth group
Prioritize and maintain several music projects
Stay creative
Stay sane


Some of those things carry more weight than others, some of them will take more time, etc.

The point is, summer is over and I gotta stop hiding on my computer and be a man.

9/22/11

The greater love revealed
The greater despair found in everything else.
Trying too hard, not trying enough, trying in the wrong ways.


Give me a break.

9/19/11

Jealous and Justified

Sobering disturbance, I awake from sedation and slumber.
This depth of fear goes beyond my concious cognition.
God, I must've bummed you out again.
The words appear in my mind.
Suddenly the meaning behind our careless quote
Is rebirthed with reason,




And in that moment I experienced the smallest measurable fraction of divine love and abhorrant anguish.




So clearly, did the reason ring.

How unheard, how distanced and unable to catch attention and express the sadness of separation.
Shake the air
In might and desparation.
Instill despair, in disorganized realization.
Force perspective to shift to rhetoric.

Heave, Heart!
You've seen love with closed eyes for too long.
You'll find no future in feeling.
But in boldness of breathing,
"You can break my heart, but set her free."

I, too timid,
Am cruel in cowardice.

9/17/11

Bravery

Taking initiative is something I've never been great at.
It's all I ever want to do, but plans always sound better on paper.
Truth is, I'm not all that much of a risk taker.
Being "actively passive" — manipulating subtle things about conversations or environments pertaining to the action I wish to carry out — that's generally the course of action I'm prone to take.
I'm more of a "frog in the hot water" sorta person.
It's just natural for me to be cautious, to avoid pain.
Consequently, that causes me to resist most changes in life.

The calling of a man is to be a leader, to be an active decision maker.

9/16/11

Celebrating Twice as Many Blog Posts as Last Year

I created a blogger account purely out of spontaneity and for the sake of checking out the spectacle of a site purely dedicated to my random thoughts and poetry.
I used to blog on Myspace, I still got my profile on there I'm sure you could do a scavenger hunt.
But this blog, it's really impacted my creativity in ways I could've never imagined.
And it has allowed me to reflect on my life with such depth and from new perspectives.

I really don't know what to say except that I would be a different person without picking up blogging, and for that I am thankful.

Here's to double this year and triple next.

9/15/11

Living in a Consistent State of Delirium

This is a state of mind I've always been curious about.
Needless to say, now that I've been experiencing it for the past week I've been able to discern the good and bad things about it.

Good:

  • I am not as relatively stressed as I would normally be.
  • I'm in a good mood most of the time.
  • My emotions either peak or subside. No middle ground.
  • Creativity flows much easier.
  • I can appreciate things with a more emotional, unrestricted thought process than if I were normal "logically filter everything in existence" Fallon.
  • It's easier for me to make eye contact with most everyone.
Bad:

  • I've been easily apathetic/frustrated with my responsibilities/anything that requires me to make an effort.
  • When I stop focusing or moving my exhaustion catches up to me.
  • Some of the emotions that peak are not the best to have all the time (i.e. frustration, loneliness, need for comfort, etc.)
  • I have an unwarranted urge to spill my guts to everyone I see.
  • I have an unwarranted urge for affection.
  • I can't focus unless something really interests me.
  • It makes it hard to sleep. (Weird, right?)

    Tis' the product of college, Bible study, being busy in general, and being terrible at going to bed on time.

    9/12/11

    2 Notes.

    Take the flowers out of that clear glass vase.
    Pour out the water
    Pour in the gasoline
    Drop the match
    And see.


    Aaaaaaaaaand...

    You've swerved out of the way of a trainwreck
    I think it'd be good now to take the time to listen.



    You (reader) have no current understanding of how significant the second one is in my life right now.
    Neither of us know about the first though.

    9/11/11

    5 or 6 Years of Guitar Playing

    And Destroy Nate Allen is kicking my butt right now.

    It really goes to show how NOT dedicated I am at being a musician.
    Not at all to diss on the musicianship of this band, I love them to death and I'm sure Nate is a way better musician than I will be for a very long time, but this is FOLK music.
    Folk, by nature, is not a very complex genre to pick up on musically, yet these strumming patterns and singing along with the songs is proving to be SO difficult for me.

    I've been playing guitar since I was ten or eleven or twelve or something (I don't remember my past well), I had lessons for about 3 years, so you'd THINK that I could do all the arpeggios and complex rhythms a dedicated guitarist can do at 3 years of playing, right?

    I guess not.

    It doesn't bum me out so much as it frustrates me.
    I mean, here I am claiming to dedicate my life to music since before I was in high school and I don't have much anything at all to show for it but juvenile, "cute" punk songs and unfinished instrumentals.

    I want to make something I can play in front of people and stand behind years later.
    All my friends (claimed they) LOVED Dissention, and now I will probably never play those songs for anyone ever again.
    They were a childish part of my past; the songs and the band have things tied to them that I cannot wear as a part of me anymore.
    I just couldn't do it anymore.

    I've been attempting a compromise by heading towards the path of production and audio engineering, seeing as how I'm way better at composing than performing.
    But recording is like making a civilization in a video game: it's really cool and interesting and fun for a while, but it just fades out of significance after a while.
    Once you're finished, that's the experience and no one pays attention or asks about it and the end.


    I have a passion for the depth of post-rock and ambient music.
    I have a passion for the simplicity and sincerity of folk and punk.
    I have a passion for the intensity of hardcore and metal.

    I am drawn to the intimacy and clarity that comes from the communicator that is music.
    I appreciate and receive music for what it is.
    It's time to create my own melodic messages.

    Today was my Last Day of my First Job

    I can say I feel accomplished, and I can sense a terrible new job coming into my life soon...
    Or lack thereof!

    (Cue narcissistic ranting)

    I'm hoping to utilize my newfound freedom to write and play more music, as well as not procrastinate on my homework.

    Having 4 classes is pretty awesome, 6 days out of the week I can stay awake as late as I want and I have very little homework.
    College sucks though, if you were thinking about going, stop.
    School is just a large waste of time for someone who wants to do something specific with their life.
    But it's time to stop planning and start doing.

    And to be as honest as possible doing it.
    But I can't use honesty as an excuse to abandon things I gotta do.
    I have convictions that I am neglecting, I am compromising.
    But things are gonna work out.
    And it'll be fine.

    You will fall;
    You will be fine.




    Soundtrack for my weekend and new chapter in life.

    9/9/11

    My heart and my bones and the blood pooling in my stomach.

    Let Me Back In




    Each line leaves the lips with such empathy
    I am perceived entirely through this melancholy melody.

    Synchronicity; the yearning in my heart
    Achieve a deep cut and a blackened burn.

    Pour out to me, every thought in mind that may stir
    I desire pure honesty, and yes, that does in fact incite danger.

    But—

    I know if you didn't want honesty
    You wouldn't be with me.
    But now that you know everything
    Am I everything 
    You 
    Always
    Wanted
    Me
    To
    Be?

    Denial in holding standards, how contradictory.
    How heartbreaking.


    Peer through your fields of confusion!
    Though this tall grass you did not plant or water,
    For some unknown reason it is here you still dwell.

    Recognize the tongue of the serpent of cynicism!
    Separate the sweetness of good intention and deception.






    The songs we can't sing and the words we whisper,
    What breaths we exchange; Oh, how much greater, the purpose to endure—

    Oh, the necessity when sincerity surrenders to hunger,
    When starvation encompasses our worth.

    You can't hold on to that feeling forever.
    We won't survive through feeling forever.







    That haunting inevitability.










    Such lurking reality.














    Return; consume me.












    Tumorous growth, take hold.





    Oh, ravaging Death!
    Your screams and beating against my chest,
    Clawing and etching inside my head!

    Your murderous, yellow eyes, emblazoned in mine
    Even in silent hollowed insides,
    The anxiety from your chasing
    Refuses to leave.


    Your pace will quicken,
    And we will run.




    Buckling are knees,
    The weight of apathy.


    Blood is spat out of shrieks and pleas flee from panicked lungs.

    Please understand the entirety of what's become.









    Please.



















    FLEETING AND BECKONING EXPRESSION
    WHY MUST I WORSHIP THEE?!
    LEAVE ME
    LEAVE ME
    LEAVE ME
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    I went on a really great date.
    I saw Explosions in the Sky.
    I've spent $160 in one day.
    My back hurts.

    9/7/11

    I was Planning on Writing a Post About All of My Current Stressors

    But I decided it'd be best to say that all of those stressors come from a genuine desire from within me to do handle them to the best of my ability and with all my heart.

    I am stressed because I'm trying my best to show I care.
    I'm trying to do things out of love and sincerity, without complaining.

    How tested, my endurance.
    How flogged, my confidence.
    How determined, my soul.

    9/6/11

    Who cares about what's right when life is about how you feel?
    What does it matter if you live a lifestyle you blatantly don't believe in?
    It makes you happy, right?
    Ignore and deny everything and anything that gets in the way of your happiness.
    After all, you're just making some positive choices for your life, right?
    Doing something for yourself.
    Taking some risks, which really aren't risks at all since they make you happy no matter how it turns out.
    Be comfortable.
    Be sedated.
    Ignorance is bliss.
    If anyone or anything opposes your happiness, again, simply shut them out.
    They're only coming from the stance of arbitrary morals and relative truths.
    Always remember that if anything makes you unsatisfied, that makes it inherently wrong/not worth your time/too complicated to worry about.
    All that matters is what you care about, and, let's be honest, in the end it's about what benefits your well-being right?

    True happiness should NEVER require sacrifice.
    Peace of mind ALWAYS comes through putting yourself first.

    Any meaning or "absolute truths" (like they exist!) should come to you under two conditions:
    1. You shouldn't have to TRY to figure out your life's significance. It should all be passive and natural.
    2. Whatever that significance you may uncover your life to have, it MUST make you happy, or it's wrong/not for you.

    In fact, if you don't believe life, the universe, or anything has any purpose, and that makes you happy, just dump out any ounce of troublesome, pointless existentialism within your brain and do whatever you please!

    I Melted into my Heart and was Rolled Down the Staircase

    Why must reality be so crushing?

    First Day of Senior Year

    I got five hours of sleep, 3 classes, and a club meeting.

    It truly dawned upon me how much time I'm wasting in high school.
    I want to intern at my church.
    I want Lizzie's dad to teach me how to be an audio engineer and a better musician.
    I want to invest time in becoming the man I need to be.

    I feel like school is holding me down,
    But despite my various opportunities of freedom,




    I am my greatest oppressor.

    See This as an Opportunity, Not a Crisis

    Understand the significance of this isolated incident.

    9/5/11

    I know if you didn't want honesty
    You wouldn't be with me.
    But now that you know everything
    Am I everything you always wanted me to be?

    9/4/11

    My Mind is Getting Freakin' Weird, Therefore

    My poetry is getting freakin' weird.

    One Handed Poetry; A Place of Submission and Suffocated Expression

    Leave my Body Broken, I'd Rather Focus on More Important Things
    Keep my Words Hidden and my Meanings Skewed.
    They Mean More that Way.





    I was so quick to abandon the 6 months, the worst part of the year
    And focus solely on July and August. But if they were to end,
    The next and last 4 of these long months may be a greater force to fear.
    How much longer can I stand, how many more of these demons must I fend?

    I am lost in the realms of reason,
    Which make one prone to misunderstanding.
    I wander this vast forest,
    It was planted for what I thought to be best.
    I planted so many seeds
    I wanted to grow so many trees in hopes that one of them may be that which I so desperately need.

    This void, of and within my mind
    I've dwelt for two days, and by it I am bound to a life I resigned.
    The air is composed of chilling mist,
    It is felt ever so slightly, just at all of my tips.





    A volume of poetic sounds revealed unto my eyes.
    The sounds; indescribable.
    The words; undefinable.
    Yet, when infused and entwined they transcend communication.
    Perception that skips the medium of any known creation.
    —The tenth, and only story received to memory,
    The Finale,
    Was the tale of a rebellious and rightly placed love.
    Though inherently jagged and mixed up,
    The pieces, with the likeness of a child's picture-making/placement
    Assembled passion unmet, an assumed case of abandonment.
    As life and death exchanged blows of translation
    I was caught in the midst something beautiful and possibly mistaken
    Through these eyes, the heat of feeling and friction
    All I know is everything I saw and heard and became happened without transition.
    What was gained is beyond conceivable conclusion, placed on high debate.






    The volume, I believe, came from the trees.
    This conflict of life and death came from these trees.
    This work of feeling conspired out of dreams.
    And I can't tell if this— excuse me, that love is truly free.

    That subconscious field of trees is only as real as what was revealed.
    Just as visions of planetary collisions
    Or visual analogies for life-changing decisions
    I don't know if I'll ever see them again.

    9/2/11

    Oh That Funk

    You can never truly know where all the spiders are at
    In the corners in the daytime, on the floor in the night

    But I know that you'll never go lookin' for their homes
    You'll just sit in your bed with all those questions in your head

    You're just an existentialist.
    I'm such an existentialist.
    (Must we all?) We must all be existentialists.
    Or we must all be stupid, crazy, or dead.

    9/1/11

    Charisma

    I don't have any, so I overcompensate by acting like people I really admire for their charisma.
    I try and use a bunch of slang and joke about everything all the time.
    I act as energetic as possible around people, despite how tired or just not energetic I am on the inside.
    I try and support underground bands to make friends on the internet (even though most the time I love the music).



    Not all of this in my personality is what you would call fake.
    I think maybe a portion of it is.
    But I've spent so much time figuring out what I believe in and what I like, I've never taken the time to figure out how I want to act upon those things.
    I don't know how to communicate myself.

    And I have SO much to say.



    Ah, the confusions of insecurity and timidness.

    Followers