I never really knew what I was getting into when I decided to lead a lifestyle filled with ambition and hope. Realizing just how capable and talented I really am, or rather the opposite.
I feel to be subpar in everything that I do; incompetent, inadequate to those who've come before me.
I realize there is such a thing as a due process of development, but with bigger steps taken I am falling more and more each day.
My goals as a musician have vanished as I take on a mindless place of employment I still manage to screw up to a potentially major degree on a daily basis.
Creative works are half-conceived, a fourth executed, and a sixteenth received at all. God only knows to what fraction of an extent of that reception is positive or even considered for more than a minute.
My blog is nearly dead, my post rate dropping from every other day to every other week.
Interning for IVM is incredibly disheartening as I am slow to post reviews and have been making mistakes from misspelling the feature's title to allowing my bias to play into my overall scoring, both which were met with severe criticism.
My stomach is cringing.
I have not gotten a call back from my interviewer, which would seal my fate at my parents home and my regressive job if my assumptions were to be true.
Above all, the reader is more than likely to, at this present moment, find myself either extending an unwanted invitation to a public pity party, to disagree with my "rash" personal criticisms, or to find myself in a lack of faith that everything will turn out, since it is in the Lord's hands.
I don't even want to speak of how I am continually failing the Lord.
I want to bury my face in a silent, darkened room. But it's that week were all eyes and lights and ears and voices point their focus on me. There is no escape from the friction of foreign love for me and self-hatred.
I just want a break.