12/27/12

Missing Warmer Seasons

Wellp, things are everchanging in life, my life included, and there are some I've instigated recently.

A lot of people may think I have dropped off the map or decided I am not a good friend or something. Whether I really have changed and/or have hurt my friends, it's entirely your perspective. I may have sunk deeper into misanthropy (as I tend to the later the year gets), I have been legitimately busy with numerous things, it's all a conglomerate of the direction life has taken me.

For now, I can say that the next part of my life I'm pursuing my lifelong dream of game design, not going to school, still working, and the whole band thing as been overtaken by both greater and lesser things.

Music is my favored form of communication, but I've become so jaded after so many shows, several album releases, intense support of many different bands, in their musical, personal, and monetary endeavors, revealing personal insights and opinions on so much music, which deeply reflect my worldview... I pleaded with so many people for change in their lives, hearts, and minds through this music, seeking camaraderie and a growing understanding of everything, through music, and it has been majorly passed by as trivial, unimportant, insignificant. At the same time, I've been incredibly humbled by the minority who looked past themselves and joined in expanding their perspectives with me, searching for meaning and purpose past subjective interpretation of what's around, reveling in what truths are revealed. I'm overjoyed to see such change inspired in those who have cared to go beyond themselves. But even in some of those who once brought me joy I have been even more let down by the facade of their new directions, when in truth they meant only to please when they are seen, but when alone, be consumed with their true selfish nature. I relied on so many and they abandoned, ignored, neglected, and crushed me. I'm not sure how to return to them when all I see are the faces of fakes, pleasers, and teasers; slanderous, traitorous creatures who seek only the self. I am a creature of the self by nature, but I fight my natural state in light of the glory in that which is beyond me. In all else what has been revealed to me is a lack of sincerity and the avoidance of truth.


The hardest thing to overcome, which I truly do not credit enough these days, are those evils which continue to thrive purely based on my own decisions, habits, and perspectives. It's a never-ending need that I shed my skin, and it's a need I fail to tend to.


This next part of my life I continue to press on with new endeavors, with independent education toward game design. I see it as the only plausible passion that will have a chance to sustain my living. The game industry is something I understand inside and out, and I seek nothing more than to reap what I will sow into the community. Cooperation and community are literally built into the foundations of gaming and game design, and I seek to build up others and be built up with them. I would love to turn this into my career, but I'm not making it my focus because it's not the heart of my effort.

God has provided before and he is the only thing in life that has not let me down, no matter the situation, no matter the circumstance. I just seek him in new ways now; being continually pushed to the limits of my being has been the theme of the last year and I have not felt a lack of continuity. But it's what I asked for, and I refuse to leave without being changed and ripped away from myself and finite existence.

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