Buddy, I Wanna Live for a Living

Things are moving in very neat directions and it looks like one of them is the end of this here blog.

I want to keep writing but my heart for writing has not yet found a home, so until the time comes for the appropriate places for my ambitions, poetry, and feelings to find their respective written outlets consider this a writing hiatus. I still get enough traffic to consider keeping this url and making it redirect to a central hub of Falloneus stuff, but I've yet to find cohorts that will help make this happen.

Until then just know that I am on my first real tour with Kevin Schlereth (I'm playing Every Day songs)right now and I may be going on as many as 3 more in the next 12 months. Who knows?!

I'm also working on a 2d Metroidvania style platformer, providing the code and the music. I really want to make this flourish.

I'm also trying to radicalize my heart in every aspect, and a lukewarm writing wasteland is not radical. There was a time when this blog was something I looked forward to writing every other day or so, and I so enjoy to pen the creative thoughts when they arrive in the cranium of mine. But words are being overtaken by actions and sounds these days. I want to make those the primary simply because I feel led to.

You can always keep up with me on Facebook, through Every Day, A Quiet PlaceThe Hallowd Ground, or Patron21 (especially Patron21).

We'll see.

Until sight,
Be free.
Be free.
Be free.


I want my money back

I'm becoming convinced that I perceive humans not as who they are at any one point in time, but rather seperate entities based on their desires, motivators, actions, and direct communications. These are all similar, related traits/categories that are truly independent. Though one can affect another, they can all operate separate from one another.

It's from these things that I see in people I construct who people are, what they want to be, and what they should be. I take every single person I build a relationship with as the person they could/should be. Of course, it's entirely arrogant to say who another person "should" be, but I guess I should reconstruct that to say that I see the spiritual potential in people to positively influence others spiritually around them.

This is why it is not difficult for me to be friendly, to give people chances, to forgive them, and invest time into them.

But I have been thrown into so many situations where I must take the "person" someone is becoming and accept them as true over what that "person" should be. This keeps me from being used and betrayed. I am generally vulnerable to compromise quickly, to give in to demands, to bend under pressure, to give in to aggressive control.

I am broken and manipulated like nothing is truly here.

But I've been planning and encouraging myself to refuse giving in to the demands of those who've neglected my love and stolen my sincerity. For once, maybe the person I should be will show up.

I don't want the people who don't seek their best form in life. I don't want them in my life anymore. You are bringing me down and ruining me. Change or leave, please.

I'm not even asking for change you don't already desire, I'm asking you to own up to a person that already exists and put to death attitudes that inhibit your true potential. If you are not seeking the best, the truth, you are wasting away.


How hard it is, to "pay your dues", when all this time i've been trapped in my room


A Big Plan

I am hoping to make a life-focus shift from working retail and doing things that make me sad to focus primarily on writing, recording, producing, and performing music, designing, writing, and programming video games, and utilizing my writings skills for any potential application, creatively, analytically, or otherwise.

All of this is with the intention of stirring up something in people's hearts that might make them a better version of themselves.

With this change, I will be relying heavily on the funding of kind souls who support and appreciate the things I do. Instead of getting a paycheck from a corporation, I wish for the paycheck to come from individual hearts who contribute and become apart of things I am a part of.

I plan to do this through various outlets, such as:




-Personal Freelancing (email, Facebook, etc.)

And maybe teaming up with some type of publisher, should I ever come in contact with one.

If anyone has any advice on marketing these endeavors seriously, I would love to hear from you.

I'm seeking out a $500 monthly income, I've been praying about it constantly, and until there is no more fire for the flame or the doors never open, I will vigorously pursue living by what I believe in and do best.

Let's do something cool together.


There are strawberries everywhere.


Honesty & Narcissism

Gotta work soon, but I gotta express what's on my chest.

I met Erik (of Self Proclaimed Narcissist) a while back booking him for a show in Spokane. What he didn't know is that I was a stupidly huge fan. What I didn't know is that he was totally all about that, and what we both didn't know is that it would make us, in my opinion, pretty good pals.

Now, usually when I'm a fan of someone's music and get all "Your music changed my life" on them, they get all rockstarry, say something like "glad I could help", then go to sign some pretty girl's CD. Erik, however much he might enjoy attention like every other person on the planet, myself included, never gave me such an air about him, he's always been fairly transparent, and after he released his album Honesty Folk/I heard his song "Van Gogh" did I realize it's something he's about. I'm very much about being a sincere artist, as well as a sincere person, and around the time I met him I really started to make that a part of who I am, so naturally I mixed well with him.

Since that night I booked him and we hung out and became friends, my life had become completely changed. He introduced me to Kevin Schlereth, who after he and Erik drove literally half the country to play a show and hang out with us, got to be my friend after staying up all night talking and laughing with 4 of my other friends in a 5 seater Saturn SW (That's six of us total in that tiny car). After that I played a show with Destroy Nate Allen after talking to them on the internet for some time (they're close with Kevin and Erik), and inbetween all that I got to review all their newest albums as a journalist on Indievisionmusic.com.

My life got real crazy real fast. I thought I was going to be touring with these people and having my lifestyle slowly be absorbed by theirs. Things are a bit different now that 2012 is over, I've gotten to hang with Erik twice already this year and it's been awesome, but the band thing is, to be honest, starting to die out in my life. Booking is more stressful and my bandmates just don't show the commitment these days. I'm not sure.

But that doesn't mean things can't change (they can change, but they won't), everything that's happened in the past year I never ever expected for a second. I am so incredibly thankful for the occasional phone call I get from Erik when I feel like all my friends have changed or forgotten me, who has a hard time with change. It's neat having a friend that you don't get to see much, because you always miss them and every reunion or communication is exciting and inspiring. Granted, I don't invest a lot of time into relationships these days as I try and invest time in myself so I can be a better friend later on (as opposed to a mediocre friend always), the internet makes me feel like there's never an excuse to not strike up a conversation with everyone I lose contact with for a week or two, but in truth if I can't talk to you on the phone for over half an hour or find the motivation to stay up all night with you doing whatever, I doubt there's a real friend connection there.

Here's to a year of friendship and realizing how much you've helped me grow, Erik.
Even if our lives go different paths, I forget all your lyrics, you never throw me on a tour; I just want to appreciate the friends we've been and where we are now.

I hope it lasts forever, but if it doesn't it's whatever.

Write that line in for your next album ;)


Life Dream Get!

I'm gonna make this short and sweet, I'm a bit hysterical, my friend Bobby and I made a Chiptune song that won a boss music contest hosted by the "A.N.N.E." Kickstarter! We are beyond excited right now just to have our music heard by so many people, that's all that truly matters in the end, but we are even more stoked to have won 1st place! That stuff never happens to me, directly, at least. Check out the medley below, check out the other artists (serious props to KaMiZoTo's track, my personal favorite), and back A.N.N.E. on Kickstarter (vote 'YES' on Steam Greenlight too!)! I'll post more as events unfold, probably renovate my blog like I've been planning to (sorry for the bipolar, heavily loaded, unprofessional mess, visitors from A.N.N.E., this blog is a lot of things and stuff) yadda yadda here's the video:


To the Future!

Despite (or in light) of my attempts to avoid scheming about plans concerning finances and where my work is going and all that, a lot has been falling into place as of recent, things completely out of my direct control.

Here come the instances:

My initial hopefulness was inspired by some friends really connecting with me in the last couple days, my friends Bobby and Elijah. Both people I've considered to be my best friends, both who've had some serious run-ins with "do-what-I-want" syndrome. I've been able to support them in making life changes, which has helped me help myself in ways as well.
Basically, in this I've found a potential roommate/friend-I'll-have-around-enough-to-consider-a-brother in Elijah, and a Chiptune partner in Bobby. 

Big-E news is still in the works, but I've been hard at work with Bobby working on my 3rd full-length Chip song, which is turning out to be better than I ever could have imagined it. It went from showing Bobby how LSDJ works to spending about 20 hours of our week hammering out this song. We're trying to win this backer-exclusive music competition for a video game project titled "A.N.N.E." on Kickstarter, and we're going all out for boss fight music, incorporating sound design for an imaginary boss fight, three forms long, complete with transitions and all that. I'll be posting it tomorrow or the next day, we'll be finished later tonight or tomorrow.

On top of all that, summer is coming up, so my game design boys will be out of school schedules, with plenty more time to devote to making our game a reality. I'm really hoping to start a website or blog dedicated to progress on the game once we get into the thick of development and we can start portraying an actual game.

There's only one counter to all the awesome happening and that would be
my love taking a month & a half vacation to the Middle East. I haven't been apart from her longer than a week since we started dating almost two years ago, I feel like life is going to be much harder and lonelier without her. Heck, the week she was gone I nearly lost my mind. I might get more stuff done, but I question how inspired or happy I'll be when she's gone. She is joyous motivation.


Focus Center Focus

I can remember starting the tentatively titled "Musica" project as a part-time endeavor as early back as October of last year. While the idea turned up over a year-and-a-half ago, it was October that I felt dedicated to the idea of becoming a video game designer.
Since the initial birth of the idea, which was a plain combination of Proteus and inbflat.net, it has evolved from a abstract audio/visual sequencer to a casual interactive environment to a full-blown adventure game... and now to something being continually refined day after day.

I watched Indie Game: The Movie and was deeply inspired at my capabilities to design something really meaningful and enjoyable, with hopes of a lot of people playing it.
Finishing my 1st year up in community college got me yearning for greater things. School wasn't enabling me to be a better designer, writer, or musician, and those are simply the things I am passionate about doing. My parents, even to this day, have been claiming support, but still, as they should, show deep concern for my future in financial security.
I just can't help but disagree with them when it comes to traditional education when I seek a life that is entirely unorthodox.

Thus far, the financially concerned mindset has proved to be a deceitful and destructive perspective to my art and myself. I became overtly concerned with "how do I maximize my audience and convince them to give me money, but not too much money because I don't want to do this for money, but I need money and if I have to get it all by working at Hastings I'll never be happy with my life".

Then I start getting fake notifications on my music pages that look like that, and I am further disgusted with the business aspects I keep trying to tie into my art.
It's ploys such as this that brainwash me into thinking that my marketing is more important that my art, and further that if I don't take action it'll fade into obscurity.

All this anxiety and confusion coming from a guy who just decided it would be a good idea to live by "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness (referring to GOD), and all these things will be given to you as well (referring to IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE)."

I think the first step is to reply to the inquisitors of my future with this particular quote (from JESUS).
We'll see how it goes from there.
In the past month a phenomena has occurred where I write out a big long post, then draft it indefinitely or delete it. Dang writing prowess ruined by my deteriorating attention span.

And I kid you not, right before I was about to type "attention span" I spaced out and forgot what I was going to say. It's getting pree bad, yo.


How Can We Ever Agree?

Muffled by the ambiguity from which I speak
Whilst cut so deep by the harshness of truth you keep


Playing a good game is rewarding simply because the engagement is fun and overcoming obstacles is relatively achievable and foreseeable.
It's what we want our lives to be always.


The Lord is willing to provide.
He has the authority to change circumstances.
The understanding is His in terms of when the harvest is ripe.

I will wait on you.


To Speak of Power and Not of Pride?

There are few times in life where I feel I have any sort of power or control over myself or the situations that surround me.
Ironically enough, when I submit my will to direct any control and power I have to God, I suddenly have more power over myself than ever before.

Historically, it has been the patience to endure.
Today, it is the strength to overcome.
Tomorrow, I hope it is to become an unending continuity and eventually channel the same hope and ability to others.


Pleasure vs. Purpose

I had a talk with an old friend last night about priorities in life, mainly correlating with how they relate to video games, but of course when you cover the topic of "life" you're in for just about any (subjectively) relevant you can think of.
Video games are pretty great: the youngest artistic medium and one of the most popular and engaging forms of expression that exist.
They're pretty versatile with that "engagement" factor too. Just as a shovel is great for digging a garden with the intent of growing life, there have been numerous accounts of destructive, violent, opposite purposes applied to the instrument.

To continue the illustration, you have a game like Batman: Arkham City, putting the player into a firsthand telling of a phenomenal story and being the flipping Batman, all whilst conveying deeply important moral questions, such as the limits and existence of justice a boatload of other themes prevalent throughout life and history.

Then you have what I call "games as sport" (think DOTA, League of Legends, or any FPS multiplayer), which have their benefits, I must say, for like any sport these games require communication and strategy with teammates, commitment, determination, and sportsmanship to truly master, and some great relationships can come out these types of games, (given that they're not entirely "lone wolf" competitions, but even then there are leagues and clans to train up on these sorts of things and get involved in. Maybe it's still a bit too nerdcore for a lot of people to imagine, but I say give it ten years and it'll be much more common).

But in my firsthand accounts within both my circle of friends and my encounters with these communities, I have to concede that "games as sport" have a tendency to hurt more than help when you consider the value of life-experience and relevance on a philosophical or metaphysical level.
The reasoning behind this is that the main goals of playing a "game sport" or even MMOs (incredibly similar in purposes here) naturally encourage you to simply progress, be it in a ranking, a character's level, generic/grindy side-quests... and this progression, be it a need of skill, time, or both (personal affliction: League of Legends, hehe), serves the player only within the world of the game.

So then it comes back to priorities.
What is your time worth to you?
What do you care about: virtual character and skill development, or real-world?
It's obvious which side I stand on, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this.
I fully support the potential in real-world benefit "game as sport", MMOs, and 20+ hour co-op RPGs can provide, they've opened doors to personal and social development I could not have otherwise achieved.
But truly, analyze the worthiness of your time.

For me, it goes like this in choices:
1.) Read Knightfall for its intense moral themes/it's the freakin' Batman and he inspires me to be a better person.
2.) Write and reflect on my moral predicaments I am currently experiencing in hopes that I might learn or teach someone something.

1.) Play League of Legends for 4ish hours, mostly talking about in-game happenings with my bud Jay, walking away with pretty awesome or horrible experiences to laugh and reminisce about later.
2.) Talk game design and life stuff, walking away really fulfilled and accomplished with my bud Jay.

Took a lot for me not to post the super-biased black-and-white choices, but that's about how things end up going on average. It does take a lot of effort for me not to get soaked up into the fun of the game, but instead to take whatever I can from that fun and appreciate it beyond merely that engagement.

Life is so much more capable than a series of fun times in-between inconveniences.


Well-Intentioned Obsession

All the books I've bought
I still have not read
So many words unsaid

Yet I am wrapped up in intentions
Appeased with questions;
Happy to ask answer-less

Let purpose and desperation meet,
So that I might finally be free.



It'd be nice to have a financial/marketing adviser at beck-and-call to strategerize my best bets at getting my creations to the audiences that will recognize and appreciate them.

I'm feeling awfully narcissistic enjoying the things I create.


"The Training is Nothing; the Will is Everything"

Passion and prowess flare,
Yet they are mistaken as the fire that sustains.

One cannot hope to thrive on continually striking sparks,
One might soon split finger to stone and give up on light all together.

It is the birth of flame which you seek,
Not the brevity of misconception.

Tinder and tender breath,
Careful, cupped hands to defend from the wind;

The spark is only but a part,
Warmth will overtake;
Flash and flicker, from your mind:


I'm posting something soon, this is the anticipation!


Melting Away Bitter Winter

Tonight I keep my head afloat thanks to whom my heart belongs.

If I'm down on myself, all that I've worked so hard on has no value.


Definitely crying on my bagel listening to Honesty Folk

I'm Scared to Tell the Truth for I Fear You Will Reject Me Because of It

How it binds me


Of Music as Part of Life (People)

We've (A Quiet Place and I) been experiencing some friction among venues, people, ideals, and the like toward how music, shows, performers, and crowds should be approached and what people continually miss sight of is that music comes from people, and without a mutual respect for people or their thoughts expressed through art, we are left with only bitterness or a worthless, false sense of arrogance.

So when I get told that someone I'm trying to book isn't allowed to or shouldn't play due to the fact that they are "Not PG-13", "too loud for a Sunday crowd", or "Anarchists don't accept Christians and will walk out the second a guy says 'Jesus'" (the PG-13 remark is in the name of Christianity, there's blood on everyone's hands here), it breaks my heart to know that money or idealistic superiority will try to prevent people from an opportunity to do what they love and, in part, live for.

This is a place where no forthright judgement comes against crowd or performer. A place that is committed to allowing ideas and sounds to play and be heard, at least once without any discretion beyond a desire for mutual respect above all: http://www.nicsentinel.com/top-stories/2013/03/05/the-house-of-the-rising-sun/

So my challenge to you is this: will you take back music? Will you fight to claim mutual respect we all desire and deserve? Will you swallow your pride and, at the very least, hear out the differences of perspective others possess?

Or will the honest hearts be forever neglected by the ignorant? Must we continue creating jaded hearts in one another?


To Think I Ever Speak Truth

In this moment as I'm speaking
All solutions, they will come to me
Yet when I cease I will meet the ending
Of my false clarity, for I am a fool


While I'm not the always only person who cares,
I tend to be of the few who take action.


I can't stand this loneliness


I am not here to commiserate with the like-minded;
I am here because I have been freed from grief and gifted with peace
My only hope is that by what I do is worthy to gift the same I've been given

Be free.


_____ Other ___

The Fields of Arbol; The Fields of Heaven

Alone with trembling hands and leaking eyes within the silence of a song that had been sung,
An indicator that it was not my mind or my instrument alone to which is doing the singing;
A Strength of Purpose and Meaning: its presence undeniably permeating.

"He had read of 'Space': at the back of his thinking for years had lurked the dismal fancy of the black, cold vacuity, the utter deadness, which was supposed to separate the worlds. He had not known how much it affected him till now - now that the very name 'Space' seemed a blasphemous libel for this empyrean ocean of radiance in which they swam. He could not call it 'dead'; he felt life
pouring into him from it every moment. How indeed should it be otherwise, since out of this ocean the worlds and all their life had come? He had thought it barren; he saw now that it was the womb of worlds, whose blazing and innumerable offspring looked down nightly even upon the Earth with so many eyes - and here, with how many more! No: Space was the wrong name. Older thinkers had been wiser when they named it simply the heavens - the heavens which declared the glory - the

'happy climes that ly
Where day never shuts his eye
Up in the broad fields of the sky.'

He quoted Milton's words to himself lovingly, at this time and often"

Every Night, Every Night
Every second at the wake
It breaks and consumes me,
Broken, consumed: you and me.

To you reading: please do not fulfill my fear that you will not hear.
I am of a reasonable mind and a sincere heart.


Hope: Home
How great, the sandcastles we continue making,
None sustaining
So long as the inevitable, unseizable wind is prevailing.

What more can we ask for in a desert such as this,
Than to take refuge in what we can make,
Or to remove the reality of indefinite living?

To seek:
Open insides and mind.
To real fields, the "happy climes that ly".

Not Out of Routine or Duty
Do I ever speak of embracing truth or continuity of hope
But of Love and Sincerity, should every word I speak be.

Be free,
Be free,
Be free.


Despite failing to maintain myself financially, I am doing what I love, designing video games and making music and managing and booking and marketing. It may not be the most responsible or self-sustaining manner of doing things, but I know I can make a difference with these outlets. I can only pray that they'll reverse the financial flow provided thus far (hint: it's almost entirely negative)


I Need to Leave; To Die and Be Free

I need more. This stagnant way of living is causing me to decay, all I want is to press into the person I was promised to be. I fail without ceasing to accept a newness of life, but it is an unending desire to grow into the promise of new life. I need change. I can't stand the rotting of my existence. My way of life completely underwhelms my ambition. We can't keep this up, we can't give in.


I wish to hear this album in its entirety when I die.
The warmth and peace to fall over as I fade to unfathomable rest.

I Can't Say I've Fit Any Vision. Here's to the Prevail of Enduring Hope.

Like growing up or giving in to a call of submission,
I must first disperse my displeasure and take in all the pain.
It's only then that my insides can process and digest;
Destroy and deliver the new nutrition.

How long, the transformation of suffering to healing!
Rebuke selfishness to my own face,
Yet, facing still, the continual lack of love to give.

I've seen love instilled,
Enduring this constricting, confusing, catastrophe.

The end, to breathe, we must fight to receive.


1/31/2013 I have been tasked with the following goals to have been achieved by the end of the day.

  • Make 149 CD cases using a time-consuming 5-step process
  • Finalize the design for said CD cases.
  • Clock at least an hour & a half of practice in.
  • Organize a pitch to sum up a video game project 2 & 1/2 months in the making, covering what has been developed, short-term, & long-term future goals.
  • Engage in a 2-hour meeting.
  • Contact consumers in need of presale tickets for the show on Saturday and deliver said tickets.
  • Watch a philosphical movie (those are long!)
  • Begin the writing process for a song that must be written by 2/1/13
  • Guarantee the remainder of presale tickets I have will be sold by 2/2/13
Why the heck am I typing all this out?



This music represents the rhythm of our hearts.
We will beat on our chests and plead with our art,
"Seek freedom in sincerity;
Hold nothing but truth in a world scavenging for and stealing scattered minds."


Our World

Constant analyzing of one's life can be tiring and hard and bad when you realize how terrible you are and how the world is, simply because humanity is so selfish and messed up.

However, I've always thought it wise to seek places of change and a reversal to this degeneration of goodness, because they exist and have practical applications at least on the level of the individual. 
It only takes one spark to start a fire.
(Wow, my writing's gotten cliche.)

I made a realization that connects every frustration I've had as a child until this very day, and it is rooted in both selfishness and selflessness, or a state which combines/rebukes both.
I know that makes hardly any sense, but that's because I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

The epiphany was this:
I played a lot of video games growing up.
While I had friends, I definitely spent majority of my time enveloped in not only playing games, but becoming involved in the universes they were built upon.
I've spent literally hundreds of hours on Super Smash Bros. Melee, and some of the most memorable of those hours I was reading up on the trophies which portrayed a general overview of whatever character/world/item the trophy featured.
The backstories and details that went into these characters enthralled me, I became so entranced with these things I know more about the Zelda series than the average guy, and I've never even played more than 4 hours of any single game in the series! All from those trophies.
The Pokemon series (I stopped after the 3rd gen.), Metroid Prime, Sonic the Hedgehog, for as much time as I have played any of these games I've at least matched half of that play time with reading about the characters, the creatures, the cultures...

"Get to readin'!"

Yet I never felt fully satisfied digging deep into any of these games.
I always wished for someone else to care as much as I did about these things.
Whether they joined me on the adventure for total knowledge of a given fictional universe or just talked to me about them, I wanted someone else to care.
I think this is a big reason why kids like people to watch them play games, not because they're trying to show -off (although that may definitely be part of it), but because they love the world on the screen and want you to understand that love.

"Search for 'beautiful video game'; get this a lot."

This is apparent in games themselves; not only is there at least one person working tirelessly to create a beautiful, believable backstory or lore, but game design in general is geared toward communication with the player on some level of depth.
For example, the Sims is built around the concept of "People are pretty cool, why don't you make them and understand all the different ways they're neat?", or Minecraft saying, "There are so many things to do in the world, here's an easy-to-grasp way for you to appreciate that." or even games like Super Meat Boy saying "Life is relentlessly against you, but if you put your mind to it and try hard enough, you can overcome."

"You got this!"

I think what I always wanted as a kid was not for someone to appreciate me or necessarily the things that I found interesting, but rather that we could appreciate something on a universal place of understanding and be a part of it.
Even now I write my heart out in my public journal and play my heart out in my music, but it's mostly for the sake of showing people there can be joy in unity.
Everything I  want in my heart, beyond my carnal desires, (but sometimes linked to them) is a layered cry for unity.

I grow tired of living in a society built upon what seems like numerous, ever-changing, always contradictory multiverses, when we all abide by universal truths such as gravity or the need of food to survive.

I strive to join you in a collective search for the truth in our universe, by which we all are bound to.


Only Deserts

I crave the summer
Yet this running water is freezing to encase me.


I don't really know what to say, but I felt it was worth saying:

Feeling much less bitter and stressed than when I last posted, I think I can put some clarity here, the O' ever patiently listening Public Diary.
I think my parting with friends is more natural than what has been perceived.
Ways and paths part as destinations differ, and while I long for the same companionship of the glory trails of old, we all listen to our call and respond as best as we know.
And I cannot rightly blame you or I for being ignorant at any point in time, so long as it is outside of the realm of choice to lack a piece of potential knowledge.
I hope and pray for things to progress in a way that loves and glorifies and serves and defies the self in light of truth and goodness.


I Don't Want to Sleep Anymore

Quite the opposite of how I've felt at many critical points in my life, and it can be taken in so many ways.

I don't want to lose a moment of potential experience or progress to a void of what-could-have-been.
I don't want to drift and fade into idle being.
I want to be.
I don't want to sleep knowing I've averted my eyes from what I truly am, what I truly do.