I can't stand this loneliness


I am not here to commiserate with the like-minded;
I am here because I have been freed from grief and gifted with peace
My only hope is that by what I do is worthy to gift the same I've been given

Be free.


_____ Other ___

The Fields of Arbol; The Fields of Heaven

Alone with trembling hands and leaking eyes within the silence of a song that had been sung,
An indicator that it was not my mind or my instrument alone to which is doing the singing;
A Strength of Purpose and Meaning: its presence undeniably permeating.

"He had read of 'Space': at the back of his thinking for years had lurked the dismal fancy of the black, cold vacuity, the utter deadness, which was supposed to separate the worlds. He had not known how much it affected him till now - now that the very name 'Space' seemed a blasphemous libel for this empyrean ocean of radiance in which they swam. He could not call it 'dead'; he felt life
pouring into him from it every moment. How indeed should it be otherwise, since out of this ocean the worlds and all their life had come? He had thought it barren; he saw now that it was the womb of worlds, whose blazing and innumerable offspring looked down nightly even upon the Earth with so many eyes - and here, with how many more! No: Space was the wrong name. Older thinkers had been wiser when they named it simply the heavens - the heavens which declared the glory - the

'happy climes that ly
Where day never shuts his eye
Up in the broad fields of the sky.'

He quoted Milton's words to himself lovingly, at this time and often"

Every Night, Every Night
Every second at the wake
It breaks and consumes me,
Broken, consumed: you and me.

To you reading: please do not fulfill my fear that you will not hear.
I am of a reasonable mind and a sincere heart.


Hope: Home
How great, the sandcastles we continue making,
None sustaining
So long as the inevitable, unseizable wind is prevailing.

What more can we ask for in a desert such as this,
Than to take refuge in what we can make,
Or to remove the reality of indefinite living?

To seek:
Open insides and mind.
To real fields, the "happy climes that ly".

Not Out of Routine or Duty
Do I ever speak of embracing truth or continuity of hope
But of Love and Sincerity, should every word I speak be.

Be free,
Be free,
Be free.


Despite failing to maintain myself financially, I am doing what I love, designing video games and making music and managing and booking and marketing. It may not be the most responsible or self-sustaining manner of doing things, but I know I can make a difference with these outlets. I can only pray that they'll reverse the financial flow provided thus far (hint: it's almost entirely negative)


I Need to Leave; To Die and Be Free

I need more. This stagnant way of living is causing me to decay, all I want is to press into the person I was promised to be. I fail without ceasing to accept a newness of life, but it is an unending desire to grow into the promise of new life. I need change. I can't stand the rotting of my existence. My way of life completely underwhelms my ambition. We can't keep this up, we can't give in.


I wish to hear this album in its entirety when I die.
The warmth and peace to fall over as I fade to unfathomable rest.

I Can't Say I've Fit Any Vision. Here's to the Prevail of Enduring Hope.

Like growing up or giving in to a call of submission,
I must first disperse my displeasure and take in all the pain.
It's only then that my insides can process and digest;
Destroy and deliver the new nutrition.

How long, the transformation of suffering to healing!
Rebuke selfishness to my own face,
Yet, facing still, the continual lack of love to give.

I've seen love instilled,
Enduring this constricting, confusing, catastrophe.

The end, to breathe, we must fight to receive.